Sanosh
by Lhflu
Summary: After Jim breaks up with his fiance, he meets a most interesting being. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

I have always used shore leave for its intended purpose: as a time to relax and have fun. When Starfleet had sent us on our latest leave, I was certainly ready for it. I needed the break. But I prepared to take care of a small, important ritual first. Because I thought the first day of leave was going to be the day that Gary and I tied the knot.

We were on Risa. A couple could get married here faster than in 20th century Las Vegas. All it took was 100 credits and two minutes in front of a computer.

The computers were everywhere on Risa. There were three marriage kiosks at the Starport and thousands scattered over the planet, along with the more traditional wedding chapels, battlegrounds, and courts, where, for a little more money, you could get some of the more traditional services as well.

Why did I want to get married then and there? To take advantage of a rule change Starfleet had made concerning having a couple in command of a starship. Before the change, that had been forbidden. Now, you only had to take a test and appoint a 'monitor' who could overrule any command an officer gave his or her spouse to prevent the officer from being unduly harsh or lenient.

Each starship was allowed to have ten couples of unequal rank, two of which could have a member who was Lieutenant or above. Since the rule was instituted six months ago, the Enterprise had gained three such couples. But none were in the upper command chain. In fact, I was looking forward to being part of first Captain-First Officer pairing, since no other captain had been daring enough yet.

They don't call me the Rebel of Starfleet for nothing.

So I was all set to take Gary to one of the kiosks when we materialized on Risa for a two week break.

But it didn't happen that way. The minute we exited the transporter room at Starpoint, Risa's biggest tourist city, Gary told me he had something to do. "I'll be gone most of the day," he said with a smile. "I'll meet you on the boardwalk later."

I figured he was just getting ready for the big moment. Preoccupied by thoughts of presents and exotic getaways, I let him go with a smile.

So, left with nothing to do for the moment, I ended up wandering around the beach. But watching the other tourists having a good time while I waited for my fun to start made me uncomfortable. So I followed a well-worn path off the beach. I was surprised when I soon found myself facing the famous secluded cabins on the outskirts of Starpoint City. This row of houses figured highly in Starfleet gossip. Lovers who were stationed on separate ships often met here when their shore leaves coincided.

So it was even more startling to see my lover striding up toward a cabin at the far end and entering it.

By the time we went to Risa, Gary and I had been dating for four months. Before that, we had been best friends. Although we found each other attractive, we hadn't wanted to risk our careers by getting involved. But, even though I had been as casual and loose with my relationships as he had been with his, I couldn't help but watch his exploits a bit wistfully. I wanted to be part of them.

But when the rules changed, we began to look at each other differently. We were curious about each other in ways we hadn't been before. We were eager to be together. And soon, we were in love.

Or at least I was. I loved Gary's brashness and his drive. Oh, I knew I had those qualities within me as well. But he wasn't afraid to step on toes to get what he wanted. I preferred to go around people. I thought his direct approach had a forcefulness that would complement my less direct approach.

For a time, that seemed to work for us. As a command team, we fought a lot, but we resolved our conflicts rather quickly. We knew how to work things out. There were often hurt feelings during this process, but we accepted that and held no grudges.

I thought that was a sign that we could make it as a couple, too. But there was trouble with this idea right from the start. When I considered marriage, my main focus was how it would provide the ship with a strong command unit. I wasn't really thinking about how happy I would be to have him by my side.

I should have known that the thought didn't bode well for our future. Nor was the answer I got when I asked Gary if he was ready to be my husband.

"Sure, kid," he said off-handedly. "A month or two of marriage might be good for me. Maybe you'll help me get my head together."

That wasn't the excitement I was hoping for. But I figured that if our marriage lasted a month, he'd be willing to renew the contract for longer.

Of course, my love for him wasn't the only thing pushing me to take this step. Starfleet Command was leaning on me too. The admirals said he was too wild, too insubordinate. He had screwed up more than one first contact mission because he couldn't watch his mouth. So I had to get him under control or I'd lose him.

Did I convince myself I was in love with him just to save his ass? Probably. But that didn't keep me from feeling hurt when I approached the cabin I saw him walk into.

Because when I looked in the window, I saw him kissing a girl. *My* girl, by Starfleet's reckoning. He was kissing my yeoman, Janice Rand.

I made myself look away. This was a betrayal, one that he would never have gotten from me. I admit I slept around a lot. But I never cheated, not even on a date I didn't like. I was either where I was supposed to be or I contacted the person and canceled. To do otherwise would be disrespectful.

That was my wake-up call. If Gary was willing to betray me with the person who was supposed to 'take care' of me, well, how could I trust him with my well-being? Or anyone else's, for that matter?

I made my decision right then and there. This was the end of the line for Gary. Completely, as both my lover and second in command. If I couldn't trust him to be there for me, I certainly wasn't going to trust him with the 430 other lives under me.

As far as my Yeoman was concerned...well, I knew how Gary operated. She probably didn't know what hit her. So when shore leave was over, I'd give her a choice, him or me. If she had any self preservation instincts, she'd stay on the Enterprise.

But I had to take care of the situation with Gary now. So after I checked the door to the cabin, and amazingly found it unlocked, I walked in.

The minute she saw me, Rand screamed. I calmed her down with a hand on her arm. She wasn't my focus here. She was just Gary's pawn and didn't deserve my anger. So I quietly asked her to gather her things and leave. I even told her to contact Uhura if she needed a new place to stay.

Then I faced Gary and let him have my wrath...in a deceptively quiet voice. "I'm processing your transfer papers the minute I leave here. I expect you to remove your belongings from the ship by a week from today. Another ship will pick you up and take you back to Earth."

Gary didn't even do me the favor of looking embarrassed at being found out by his lover. He was more concerned about losing his job. "Earth? Do you know what Command will do to me?"

"You should have thought about that before you walked in here. What did you think I'd do if I found out? I put my neck on the line to keep you aboard my ship," I growled back.

Gary looked like he wanted to say more, but something stopped him. Maybe it was some common sense. Or common decency. Well, I could at least hope.

But even though he was showing some smarts now, I didn't want to see any more of his missteps. I knew that if I stayed here too long, he'd stick his foot in his mouth and say something to rile me up again. So I got the hell out of there.

He didn't make one move to stop me. That's when I knew it was over.

Once I left the cabin, I walked down the beach to cool off and consider what to do with my newly-opened shore leave. I had planned my whole vacation around Gary. But now the marriage, the honeymoon, and whatever else we would have done were only dreams.

I didn't know what to do with myself. That wasn't a situation I found myself in often.

As captain, I couldn't just join my crewmates for fun in the sun. My presence would put everyone on their best behavior, and that's not what I wanted. My people needed to relax.

There was one other who usually went off on his own. Dr. Leonard McCoy. The only thing worse than your captain watching you have fun was your doctor watching. McCoy knew that and usually made himself scarce the minute he clocked out for shore leave.

I had known him since the Academy, but not as well as I would have liked. We were friends, but until now, I had been much closer to Gary. But we had come to each other's aid often, so I had no problem pulling out my comm unit and contacting him now.

After a short conversation during which I unofficially told him that Gary was leaving the ship, he invited me along on his trip to a bar in a town a few kilometers from Starpoint. Knowing that his company was a vast improvement over being by myself for shore leave, I readily agreed and went to find some transportation.

McCoy greeted me warmly when I entered the bar ten minutes later, then looked me over critically. "You look like you just lost an 80 kilogram weight off your back."

The comment was typical of him. Bones McCoy had never pulled his punches, not even when we were first years at the Academy. And as usual, his perceptions were right on the dot.

I needed that right now, even if it did hurt a bit.

So I nodded and gestured to the drink he held in his hand. "One of those might help me get used to being single again."

Bones waved at the bartender and ordered a second drink, then turned back to me. "You should've done that a long time ago."

I sighed heavily as I sat down next to him. "Gary was my best friend."

"But I'm not so sure you were his," Bones scolded me mildly. "About a week ago, I heard him talking to some admirals about taking that chair out from under you. While you were having discussions with Nogura about how to keep him from getting court-martialled."

I looked at the doctor in shock. "How the hell was he going to do that?"

"That's what he would have used the marriage for. To find something he could use against you." Bones patted my shoulder. "You're better off this way. And trust me, the higher ups are a lot happier. Hell, Nogura might even use this episode to get rid of the idiots who wanted you out of the captain's chair."

I put my head in my hands and groaned softly. Gary had been manipulating me! How could I have missed that?

"Hey, you took care of it, right? He's on his way out?" Bones asked softly.

I nodded tiredly. I'd have a few forms to file when I got back to the ship, but since Nogura had probably been expecting this outcome, the transfer had gone through on my word alone.

McCoy continued without missing a beat. "Then find something relaxing to do. You're on vacation."

"Like what? I had planned to spend the whole time with Gary, locked in a hotel room."

Bones thought for a moment then glanced at his communicator, which was setting on the bar next to him. "If you want, I can see if Edan has any ideas..."

Edan was the man Bones was seeing...on a professional basis. It had surprised me when I found out our doctor had employed a prostitute. He usually wouldn't seek expert help for anything unless he absolutely needed it. Hell, he was reluctant to see another MD when he was hurt. But it worked for him. Bones was much more relaxed because he had seen Edan a few times over the last year.

His choice wasn't necessarily a good one for me. Edan was one of those high class prostitutes, the ones most people can't afford. Hell, Bones wasn't paying for his services. They had been a gift.

"I didn't want it at first," the doctor had said before his second shore leave with Edan. "Hell, I didn't need any help getting companionship. But someone offered it to me anonymously, saying he'd pay for it. Apparently, I had saved his life somewhere along the way and he wanted to do something for me. He didn't want to just give me money-Starfleet would be all over that, even if I just gave it to my daughter."

Bones had sighed in an almost frustrated tone, but it had seemed as if he couldn't stay angry with the being who had given him this gift. It had become too important to him. "So whoever it is went *through* Starfleet to do this. He approved it with Nogura and Wesley, I think. He arranged it so Edan would come and meet me for shore leave when it wouldn't cause a problem. Mostly on approved vacation planets.

"And the bastard forced my hand. I tried to refuse. But Wesley practically ordered me to accept it." He had shrugged when I had given him a shocked look. "I don't know why. But I have a feeling that political wheels were turning."

"Probably," I had nodded, then pressed him. "You have no idea who this guy is?"

"None. I don't even know if the being is male. I'm just guessing based on the gift. All I know is he is good at picking quality service." Bones had blushed bright red at that point.

I was remembering that conversation as I considered his suggestion now. "I don't want Edan, he's yours." That, I was firm about. I didn't want to spoil the relationship Bones had with his 'gift'.

In fact, I wanted to refuse the offer outright. But I needed something to take my mind off Gary. And this could be it, if I got past one snag. "I can't afford more than one night with a friend of his, though. Not if that information Uhura found on his current pricing is correct."

Bones' gaze was sympathetic. "One night is better than nothing. You need to relax. Maybe he could at least recommend one of the locals. That might get around the credit problem."

"Call him, then. This might even get him off my back." I sighed. The last time the pair had met up, Edan, seducer that he was, had told me that I looked like I needed help relaxing. Then he had given me his comm address and told me he wanted to make some recommendations. But I had still been involved with Gary at the time. I hadn't wanted to cheat on him.

I guess it wouldn't have mattered. I wasn't what Gary wanted.

I watched, a little nervously, as Bones contacted Edan. After a few minutes discussing their plans for this trip, the doctor told him about my problem. From my friend's side of the conversation (he had the comm on privacy mode), Edan sounded eager to help. Maybe a little too eager. "Edan, no. I don't want him to break the bank for a little fun. I've seen what that guy charges! Yes, I know he's the best. Yes, Jim deserves the best. No, I don't want you to bother my benefactor about it. Because he's done enough! I'm grateful to him, but I'm not going to risk his wrath by asking for anything else."

Bones leaned on the bar as Edan seduced him into it. He should know better than to battle a Betazoid's persuasiveness, especially when that Betazoid had touched his mind. Edan made all my diplomatic skills look paltry. Even though I had been given the captaincy of the Fleet's flagship at 31 because of those very skills.

So I wasn't surprised when Bones moaned softly and said, "Go ahead, contact him." Then he closed the communicator with a sigh.

We ordered another round of drinks as we waited for the verdict. After the bartender put our drinks down, I asked Bones who Edan had chosen for me.

"Sanosh." Bones said with his head down.

I gasped. Sanosh was known as the best and most expensive prostitute in the galaxy. He was so exclusive that everyone knew his name, but only a select few had ever seen his face.

"I can't afford him!" Anyone less than a planetary monarch wasn't rich enough, from what I've heard.

Bones tried to wave off my protest. "I know. I know. I'll tell Edan no when he comms back, okay?"

But things didn't work the way we planned when the communicator beeped. Bones' eyes went wide seconds into the conversation. Then he handed me the comm unit.

"Leonard's benefactor is gladly extending his thanks to you as well, as you were an integral part of his rescue," Edan's silky voice said into my ear. "He would like to begin by offering Sanosh's services for the remainder of your leave on Risa. Sanosh has agreed to his wishes. Please stay where you are. We will join you in the bar in thirty minutes."

Shocked, I stammered a quiet 'thank you'. I knew better than to refuse. Whomever this person was, they had the ability to pull a lot of strings and cause a lot of problems if they didn't get what they wanted.

When the comm disconnected, I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "What have I gotten myself into?"

Bones shrugged. "Very few people know. But if this guy is as good as his reputation, you're in for one hell of a shore leave."

To distract me from this new development, Bones and I discussed ship's gossip for the next half hour. In that short amount of time, I began to realize that I had been missing out on a good friend when I had decided to spend most of my time with Gary Mitchell. In fact, McCoy was already making Gary look like an annoying acquaintance.

But that was something to explore once shore leave was over. Because almost exactly thirty minutes after Bones had finished his conversation with Edan, I spotted the Betazoid walking through the door of the bar with a tall figure in a hooded cape.

Edan walked over as soon as he spotted us. "Come, Sanosh would like to talk to you in a private room." He waved toward one side of the bar, which housed small enclaves one could rent by the hour or the night.

"Just talk?" I asked suspiciously. I had heard some rather odd noises coming from those rooms when I passed by them earlier.

Edan nodded. "He wishes to discuss the particulars of your arrangement before either of you commit to it. He finds it best to do this at a neutral location."

"That sounds reasonable," I said, realizing that this was for the best if either of us pulled out. If that happened, I could talk to the bartender about getting another hotel room. Sanosh could transport back to wherever he came from or find another being willing to pay his fee.

Now that I was taken care of, the Betazoid moved on to his primary responsibility. He smiled at Bones gently. "Let's leave them to their negotiations, Leonard. I have something planned for you tonight..." Ignoring the doctor's worried look towards me, Edan took his hand and led him out of the bar.

When they were gone, I turned to the hooded being, who had silently moved to my side. "You don't have to do this. I-I didn't want to bother the doctor's benefactor..." Suddenly, worry overtook me. I had no idea what I was in for. Hell, I didn't even know what species this guy was.

Sanosh didn't give me time to ask. While I was busy fretting, he had taken my arm and was now guiding me into the private room at the end of the row. The door closed silently behind him.

Like an obedient child, I sat in the chair that he motioned toward.

Then, I watched in a daze as he sat across from me and slowly pushed his hood back.

Sanosh was a handsome being. But it wasn't his sharp dark eyes that caught my attention. Nor his regal nose. Nor the midnight-black hair that disappeared into his cloak in an elegant braid.

It was his ears.

His green-tinged, sharply pointed ears.

Sanosh was a Vulcan. A logical, staid, unemotional Vulcan. But he also was an expert prostitute.

The contrast was so intriguing that I knew there was no way in hell I was going to walk away until I satisfied my curiosity. I had to know how a Vulcan could have become the best-known sex professional in the galaxy.

Damn, Edan-or his employer-knew me better than I thought.

end part 1


	2. Chapter 2

Sanosh watched calmly as I took in his most distinctive features. Luckily, he didn't appear disturbed by my scrutiny. In fact, by the curious look in his eyes, I'd say he welcomed it. "Do I meet with your approval?"

I blinked, startled by his question. His Vulcan poise and sharp features made him strikingly handsome. But he didn't need me to tell him that.

In fact, instinct was telling me that he didn't want my opinion of his appearance. Looks weren't everything, even in his profession. They weren't even of high priority in my mind. So I gave him an honest answer. "I'd like to know your restrictions before I decide," I said coolly.

I was intrigued by the services he was offering, but I wanted to make sure they didn't come with too many restrictions. Plus, I was trying to avoid appearing overeager or awkward. My pride had already taken too many blows today.

"Of course," Sanosh responded, handling our conversation as easily as if we were talking about merchandise instead of very personal ministrations. "I do not engage in sadomasochism or activities involving bodily fluids other than saliva or those normally excreted during intercourse. I am amenable to being seen with you in public. But, for the sake of my other clients, you will not reveal my identity or occupation. You will instead refer to me as Spock. You may say that Spock is an expert in interspecies relations."

I nodded. It all sounded very logical, despite the differences between him and his compatriots. Although I didn't ask if he was a 'true son of Vulcan', it was obvious that he was a follower of Surak. His tone and words were careful, well thought out, and intelligent. Unlike other Vulcans, whose logic made them sound condescending, he sounded like someone I could trust. There was just something about his tone that made me want to put my life in his hands. I didn't usually do that. But, after Gary's betrayal, two weeks of it might actually do me some good. On a limited basis, of course.

"Anything else I should know about?" I asked after a pause. This situation made me feel like a fish out of water. I was sure I looked like a novice to him. Hell, I was. I had never paid for sex before. I had never even considered it.

Apparently, he could see the nervousness that fact caused in me. Because he tried to calm me down while still telling me the rules. "You are with me to enjoy yourself. Some humans find it necessary to talk about the events that brought them to me in order to forget their issues for a time. I understand the necessity and will do my best to help you put your recent past aside. But I will not discuss my circumstances. I prefer my life to remain private."

I sighed. I could get into trouble with that rule, just by being myself. "I'll do my best. But I'm a very curious person. Please don't be offended if I ask things I shouldn't."

"Being curious is part of what has made you an exemplary captain," Sanosh said, inclining his head agreeably. "I will not take offense to your questions as long as your intention is not hostile."

"How could I be hostile to a being who is so pleasant to look at?" I smiled. He just told me not to pry. But he did it in such a way that put me at ease. It was a strange talent that must be infinitely useful to him.

My companion let a small smile grace his lips as well. "In return, you must tell me if, during the time we are together, my actions do not match my name. For this would be unsatisfactory."

"Your name?" I knew a few words in Vulcan, but I had never heard 'Sanosh' in any context other than to refer to him.

He nodded. "My name means pleasure." His tone was so low and husky that it brought shivers to me.

As he watched my reaction with more interest than seemed warranted (considering he had seen it all before), I asked the question that I really wanted answered. "Are you as good as they say?"

"Better," Sanosh replied in a matter-of-fact tone. "I have found that my reputation becomes distorted when others start talking about me."

"That's normal," I said, noticing his distaste. He was taking a Vulcan stance on the issue. Vulcans tended to shun idle gossip. So, in their circles, he wouldn't have been talked about much unless someone wanted his services. But humans...well, we're another kettle of fish.

Speaking of idle gossip...I knew what I was in for when I returned to the ship. "I'm not looking forward the media finding out that I dropped Gary. They'll make him look like a hero or devil, depending on how much they like Starfleet that particular day. Either way, they'll do him a disservice. He's neither evil nor a saint. I just made a bad choice by dating him."

"A choice that seemed logical at an earlier time," he guessed, or more likely, deduced in a rather logical fashion.

"Yeah," I sighed as I put my head in my hands. After all that I've discovered, I felt rather embarassed. I had gone against my own good judgement for the sake of someone who would have removed me from the position I had grown to love over the past two years. "I put my need for a friend above the needs of my crew. Then I find out he wasn't even a good friend."

"I cannot claim to be a friend, but I will strive to be both reliable and satisfying during our time together." Sanosh seemed more concerned for my welfare than I expected. His next statement made me curious as to why. "Perhaps I can ease your mind. As captain of a starship, it would be illogical of you to fall into the human trap of seeing everyone as similar to the one who wronged you."

But my gut told me not to question him...at least not yet. "Thanks. Yeah, you're right. I guess that's why Bones went through this for me. He doesn't want to see me turn into someone like Gary."

"From what I've seen of Commander Mitchell, that outcome is unlikely," Sanosh negated softly. "But it is in your crew's best interest to keep you from becoming 'jaded', which is, I believe, the doctor's true intention. He does not want you to lose the curiousity and wonder that have been such a benefit to you."

I narrowed my eyes. He was either a great student of human nature, or he had priviledged information from somewhere. "You've talked to Edan about me, haven't you?"

Sanosh inclined his head. "Simply to make sure the public image of you was not false."

I scoffed. "Nobody is as good as the media makes me out to be." The media reports potrayed me as better than a god. It was humiliating enough to make me want to hide in a cave for the rest of my life.

"It depends on your definition of 'good'," Sanosh said calmly. I think he could tell that this conversation was upsetting me. I didn't want to be in, or even talk about, the public eye right now. Because I knew it was going to tear me to shreds when the media got wind of my personnel change.

So Sanosh smoothly changed the subject. "Perhaps you would like to discuss your plans for our time together."

It was an intriguing topic, but unfortunately, one I didn't yet have an opinion on. "I haven't really thought about it. This all happened so quickly." I sighed as I explained, "My reputation is an illusion. I'm not usually one to jump in bed with someone without spending time with them."

That didn't bother him one whit. It was becoming more and more obvious that this being was a consummate professional. "One of my roles is to be the recipient of impulses you might not normally act upon," Sanosh said easily. "I would not be offended if you chose that course of action."

I shook my head. "I'm so used to the dating game that it wouldn't feel right to just...get into it. I didn't even do that when I was seeing Gary." I paused, then continued derisively. "Come to think of it, he was leading me on even then. I usually had to coax or bribe him for sex...or even attention."

"Apparently, Mr. Mitchell is a more illogical human than most." Did the Vulcan just pay me a compliment? The insult to Gary was obvious. But there was a glint in Sanosh's eye suggesting his statement was more than that.

Before I could convince myself I was seeing things, he moved on to my difficulty. He leaned back in his chair with a thoughtful look. "I understand that humans have difficulty with sudden change. I may have a solution. Would you be amenable to playing a different game?"

I gazed at him cautiously as my mind filled with thoughts bondage games and dress-up scenarios. I wasn't sure I was ready for those.

But before I could say so, Sanosh continued. "There is a tridimensional chess game in the hotel room I procurred. Perhaps such a contest would help ease your discomfort."

Oddly enough, it sounded like just what I needed. But I was surprised to hear that he was the one paying for everything. "Do I need to give you something for the hotel room? I have to check my credit account..."

Sanosh waved his hand imperially, discouraging me from digging in my pocket. "It has been taken care of. Our room, meals, and any items you would like to have while we are together will be provided without cost to you."

I looked at him in shock. "Your employer must have more money than he knows what to do with or he must be insanely trusting."

"He can definitely afford to pay for your vacation. As for trust...he has seen the kind of man you are. He believes your good deeds deserve acknowledgement. And he trusts that honoring you this way will not make you stop doing them."

I wasn't convinced that it could be that easy. "The way you say that makes me think he wouldn't care I bankrupted him by the end of this vacation."

"As long as when you are finished, you return to your duties aboard the Enterprise and continue to aid the quest for a more unified galaxy, he would not. However, I doubt you could accomplish that feat even if you could get past your discomfort with overindulging." Spock's eyes glinted with what I thought was humor.

I chuckled as I found myself more comfortable with his amazing ability to judge a person's character. But I had to ask, "Am I that obvious?"

"You are a good man, James Kirk." Sanosh got up and held out his hand to me. "No matter what you choose to do in this time, I will be glad to be with you. But if I may be so bold, I believe the first step to your enjoyment is to leave this establishment and journey to the Risa Palace Hotel. I wish to know if the room I reserved meets with your approval."

He wasn't kidding about his employer's ability to indulge me. To rent a room at that hotel costs for a day, you'd have to hand over as much as a Starfleet admiral is paid in a month.

As I considered this, I couldn't help but poke a little fun at the opulence I knew I was going to walk into. "As long as the chess set has all its pieces, I think we'll be off to a good start."

I just laughed as Sanosh raised an incredulous eyebrow.

Then I let him lead me out of the bar. Bones was right. This was gong to be one hell of a shore leave.

end part 2


	3. Chapter 3

My first look at the room Sanosh had reserved confirmed my worst fears. It was a showcase in luxury. Everything in the room was silk, crystal or gold plated. Even the chess set was made of silver and Andorian crystal. It was enough to make a man used to a spaceship cabin gape in surprise. Luckily for my pride, I avoided that...but just barely.

As I cautiously examined my home for the next two weeks, Sanosh watched my reaction. He didn't seem surprised. He seemed curious...and rather satisfied somehow.

Even though my discomfort was obvious, he didn't seem inclined to change rooms just satisfy my sense of taste. After I finished my perusal, he told me why. "I apologize for the ostentaciousness. I was most concerned for your comfort and found that this hotel most suited our needs."

I blinked in surprise. "How so?" The place was certainly comfortable, if you liked cushions you needed a ladder to climb out of. But it didn't strike me as something I needed.

Sanosh ushered me to the extra-wide Krewten-suede couch as he explained. "No Starfleet officer or crewmember has reservations at this hotel. Nor does this establishment let reporters on its grounds without the patrons' permission. Your privacy is insured by staying here."

"Oh." It took me a minute to realize that he had chosen to maintain my reputation rather than make me comfortable. That was unexpected...but welcome. I had to protect my crew. If I was seen as too extravagant or indulgent, it would hurt their reputations as well as mine.

Even with this asset, the room's air of privilege still made me afraid to touch anything. Everything in it looked like it cost more than I could afford. But I calmed down when I looked at Sanosh. If he was as good as he claimed, I wouldn't be paying attention to the furnishings for long. I would have other, more pleasant things on my mind.

Even now, because of his suggestion, I was ignoring the trappings of this place. Well, except for one. I examined the chess set carefully as it graced the small table in front of us. "It's beautiful."

The Vulcan nodded as he turned the game to a more playable angle. "And quite functional. I believe you will find all the pieces in their proper places."

I chuckled. "Well, then, I guess we can stay here."

Sanosh inclined his head, another small smile gracing his lips. "I am gratified by your choice. Shall we play?"

I nodded and waved my hand, indicating that he should make the first move. I was very glad he suggested the game. It took some of the impersonal elements out of the situation. People can't help but reveal some of themselves when leaning over a chessboard.

Oh, I wasn't hiding. On the contrary, I knew I revealed as much as anyone else when playing. But I was sure Sanosh would only see things he already knew or suspected.

I played impulsively. No, not haphazardly. I kept an eye on all the pieces and planned moves in my head. But I let my instincts make my final decision. It was the same way I ran my ship, for better or worse. Luckily, my track record proved it an effective strategy. The good outweighed the bad in both my chess game and my command.

Because of the information Sanosh gathered from either Edan or his employer, I was sure he had been able to figure some of that out already. What I hoped that I didn't give away were my insecurities, my loneliness (which I've had since long before Gary screwed up) and my growing desperation to find something or someone who could help me stabilize my life and my ship. Being captain when others my age were pushing Lieutenant Commander wasn't easy. I had to move harder and faster than the other captains because there was always an admiral dogging my steps, saying that I was too young or inexperienced for the job.

Gary hadn't helped the situation. I needed someone to help me make the decisions that, if I hadn't shot up the ranks, I would have watched from a safe distance for a few years. But my friend couldn't do that. In fact, I found myself regretting making him my first officer at all. I had needed someone to challenge me, not fight me outright. I needed an ear, an advisor, someone to tell me when I was wrong and help me make corrections.

Now that Gary was gone, I was able to see that Bones McCoy definitely had potential on that front. But I could tell his point of view was somewhat lopsided. He tended to advocate for the crew's safety first and rather adamently. Which, of course, was something I needed to consider seriously in any decision I made. But I also needed someone to advise me about other concerns...

I must have been preoccupied by my mental search for a second advisor, because I jumped when Sanosh interrupted it softly. "It is your move, Captain."

"Oh, sorry." I sighed. "I guess it's harder to escape work than I thought."

"There is no need to apologize," Sanosh said soothingly. "You cannot be expected to leave your crew completely behind. You are their captain. However, you have been granted this time to relax. It is best to use it while the people on this planet are seeing to your crewmates' needs."

I chuckled softly. "I can't believe you're still here with me. I bet amny of your other clients would have been all over you by now. And here I am, discussing my ship. Surely, I'm not what you expected."

"On the contrary, you are exactly what I expected. A dedicated, caring man." With that, he leaned over and kissed me softly.

He had the softest lips I had ever felt. And he knew how to use them. He pulled me under his spell so quickly that I found myself moaning within seconds. By the time it was over, I had completely forgot about my crew.

When Sanosh pulled back, there was a twinkle in his eyes. "I knew from the moment I saw you that I would have to encourage you to relax."

I chuckled and nodded. I was rather obvious about my devotion to my ship.

A minute later, he kissed me again. This time when it ended, I was blushing bright red. A few seconds into the kiss, I grabbed him and kept his lips pressed to mine for what felt like a good ten minutes.

He had entranced me in less time than it took me to get a girl into my bed. I was rather shocked.

But Sanosh didn't seem bothered by my forwardness. He just ran a hand down my arm. "I now see that this part of your reputation is true as well. You are truly a fascinating being."

"What part?" I asked curiously.

"I have seen reports from many beings about your sexual prowess," he replied in a tone that suggested the reports were quite flattering. So he had heard the fish stories about my conquests.

Unfortunately for Sanosh, most of them were lies. So, a bit worried about what he'd think when he found that out, I laughed a bit nervously. "I'm not sure I can do much to impress you."

My companion shook his head. "It is not necessary. I would be gratified, in fact, if you would allow me to impress you." With that, he pushed the chessboard to the side and bid me lay down on the couch. "I will enjoy finishing the chess game with you later. But I believe this moment is better spent giving you a different kind of pleasure."

Then I gasped as he ran his hands down my chest and curled around the hardness below.

That was my last distinct memory of our first time. I do remember that Sanosh kept me off guard with touches and kisses, but the specifics were vague. Later, when I could think again, I realized that his technique was intended to keep me from thinking.

He succeeded admirably. All I could do was feel. Spikes of pleasure from heated kisses interspersed with soothing massages meant I was putty in his hands. He turned up the heat and kept me begging for more. Loudly. The sexual connoisseur in me was horrified to see how easily I gave in to Sanosh's caresses.

But the rest of me didn't care. It felt too good.

When I came out of my sex-induced haze later that night, I found myself in the room's luxurious bed and my Vulcan seducer sitting on the couch with a datapadd. My shifting on the bed must have caught his sensitive hearing, because he was looking at me by the time I sat up.

"Do you feel more relaxed now, Captain?" Sanosh asked softly and rather smugly.

"Jim. Call me Jim. I can't stand anyone calling me captain in bed...or anywhere near it." I smiled at him as I stood up and stretched, unconcerned for my nudity. He was the one who had undressed me, after all. "To answer your question, yes I do, thank you."

"There is no need to thank me. It is necessary for me to relax you to fulfill my terms of employment." Sanosh stood and walkied over to me, all the while admiring my form. "Nor was it a hardship. Your body is quite fit and your responses are quite adequate."

I raised an eyebrow. From a human, that would have been an insult. But he was Vulcan, and they had a reputation for gross understatement. "Is that your way of saying that you're enjoying yourself?"

Sanosh nodded, then let his gaze linger over my face. "It is a rare experience. Although I tend to choose my clients from those most able to pay my fees, that choice does not guarantee that I will be with a person who is able to give me more than credits."

"I guess money is more important to you, then," I said carefully, hinting by my tone that I was not expecting a reply. I wasn't prying at this point. I was just drawing a conclusion from the facts I had.

"It was...at an earlier time." Sanosh confessed, giving me reason to hope he wouldn't be as mentally standoffish as the other Vulcans I had met. "But certain events have caused my priorities to change."

I nodded, again doing my best not to pry, although I was intensely curious. In fact, he was fast becoming one of the most intriguing beings I've ever met.

Because he was making the mistake of giving me nuggets of information, even if they were rather cryptic ones. Then he compounded his error. He gave me one I couldn't resist. "In fact, I believe my priorities need to change yet again."

"Oh?" Damn him, now he had me hooked. I wanted to know who this being was. Just knowing about his great sexual talent was not going to be enough.

But there was time and I was persistent. Hell, I was going to be with him for two weeks. It was inevitable that I would learn something in that time.

Luckily, he gave up the next nugget without a fight. "I have finally found what I had been seeking."

I was shocked when his eyes met mine the second he finished his sentence. And held me in his gaze as if he never wanted to let go.

end part 3


	4. Chapter 4

I had no idea why he was staring at me as if I was something that he had lost and suddenly had found.

Whoa. Hold on, Jim, aren't you reading too much into this? He didn't say *you* were the thing he had been seeking. Hell, if I was the thing he had been missing, wouldn't I remember him from another time?

I had met very few Vulcans in the past. I knew the Vulcan Ambassador, Sarek, his assistants, and the five Vulcans who were liasions with Starfleet from the Vulcan Science Academy. None of them were anything like the Vulcan before me.

Well, I had met one other Vulcan. I had encountered him on a rescue mission. I never saw his face. But he had been so quiet, so withdrawn that he couldn't have been Sanosh. And my companion certainly wouldn't have been caught dead on that ship...

I tried to stop the stream of thoughts before they got me in trouble. It was obvious that my companion had so entranced me that I was seeing things that weren't there. But I wasn't strong enough to push my musings away. Only my growling stomach was able to stop them. I was starving.

Happy to be distracted from what I knew was a growing obsession, I walked over to the replicator. As I looked over the choices suggested on the display in front of it, I turned my head and asked my companion, "What can I get you?"

He shook his head at me as he came over to the counter. "You are quite exasperating. It is I who should be serving you. You are interfering with my ability to do my job correctly."

That comment sounded so familiar that it brought a grin to my face. But it wasn't a Vulcan who I usually heard it from. "Don't take it personally. My yeoman yells at me about that very thing about twice a week."

Sanosh gave me an indulgent look. I could almost see him imagining that scene...and liking it. "It is amazing that your yeoman has not quit in frustration." The teasing in his eyes was obvious. Or was it? All of a sudden, I seemed to be very good at reading a member of the most inscrutible species in the galaxy. One who I had known for a matter of hours...

But the mention of my yeoman distracted me before I could analyze that discovery further. I sighed as I remembered the scene at the cabin. I didn't know if Rand would leave the ship to be with Gary. I hoped not. She was able to handle me quite well. She followed me all over the ship to keep me informed of scheduled events and Starfleet communiques. She picked up my uniforms from the laundry, got my coffee in the morning... Hell, if it wasn't for her, I'd probably eat about once a day.

I must have gotten lost in my thoughts again, because Sanosh touched my arm gently. "I did not intend to bring back memories of your difficulties."

His comment surprised me. I didn't remember mentioning Rand to him, and I knew Bones hadn't said anything to Edan. But I just shrugged. He probably had made an educated guess based on my distraction.

"It's okay. My yeoman is actually the least painful part of all this." It was true. After a few minutes of thought, I was convinced she'd be back when she realized what a prick Gary had become. Or was that the prick he always was? I had started to realize he had been using me all along. Now that I was away from him, my vision was clearing so I could see the truth.

That truth was being reinforced by the being in front of me. He was the one who was reminding me what real pleasure felt like. And how having someone focused on you could make life easier, even if it was just for a moment. It was an enlightening experience. Real pleasure and real attention, even without affection, made a great deal of difference to my state of mind.

Gary had given me neither. It was becoming apparent that he never would have, if we had stayed together. Even the affection he had shown me suddenly felt fake.

But why did Sanosh give me those things? It wasn't like I was paying for all this. For many business people, getting payment from a second party was a good reason to give substandard service. Especially when the one handing out the money didn't actually see the services rendered.

But I was sure I was getting services as good as Sanosh's other clients. Was my benefactor that powerful that he could persuade such a renowned being to treat me as if I were one of his high-paying clients?

Or was there more to it than persuasion? It could simply be a matter of pride. But I couldn't help but wonder if it had something to do with that look in his eyes earlier.

Those thoughts began to multiply as we sat down at the small table to eat our meals. For me, it was a perfectly done steak and potatoes, for him a large salad with some rather exotic vegetables. When I looked across the table, I seemed to pick up an excitement in the Vulcan. And it seemed to be directed at me.

But again, I had to reel myself in. Because when I looked up again, his face was serene.

I shook my head, trying to convince myself that I was seeing things. But the damage was already done. Real or imagined, the idea of him having real interest in me so intrigued me that I had to ask...

"Why did you agree to this?"

It seemed that he was expecting that question. He put his fork down calmly and looked me straight in the eye. "You were in need of distraction. Distraction I would gladly provide, for the sake of yourself and others. The galaxy would indeed suffer if you were not in good health."

I scoffed. How many of those damned Starfleet propaganda vids did he watch? "I'm only one man. The galaxy isn't going to fall apart just because I'm having a bad day."

Sanosh acknowledged my statement with a nod, then contradicted me. "But your deeds have influenced many others to follow in your footsteps, or to take other routes towards galactic peace. If you are not well, your state could discourage their efforts."

I shook my head, trying to shake off his praise. He made me sound like a god. I wasn't comfortable with the comparison.

My discomfort persuaded him to abandon the argument. So he changed tactics. A moment later, he stood up and came around the table. Smoothly, he turned my chair so he could kneel at my feet.

I looked down at him nervously. I was still naked. I had been comfortable with my state when I sat down, but as I watched him, I couldn't help but compare myself with the glamorous people he was usually around.

He must have felt my anxiety, because he ran his hands gently over my thighs. "I can see that I will have to work continually to relax you...and to convince you that you are entitled to the relaxation." He sounded resigned to this, but at the same time, like that was exactly how it should be.

"When do you get to relax?" I countered. "You'll spend the next two weeks catering to me. By your description, by being here you will be helping galactic peace by making me fit for duty. But it won't be easy. You already know how hard it is to get me to rest. I'm sure you'll be exhausted by the time you leave."

"On the contrary," Sanosh whispered as he massaged my legs, drawing a soft moan from me. "Seeing to your needs will aid in my meditations. You will aid me in connecting with the rest of the galaxy."

In a strange way, that actually made sense. And gave us something in common. "So you're using me, like I'm using you." I chuckled, then moaned again as he took my foot into his skilled hands. "I guess that's fair."

"I fear it is not. For I am gaining more from this than you," Sanosh said almost too quietly for me to hear. Or did I hear it? It was almost as if I *felt* it.

I looked down at him in surprise. But his face didn't change expression. Had I imagined those words? I must have. Still, the idea led me to another question. "Is your employer...my benefactor...paying you extra for your time with me?"

"He is not." Sanosh said softly. Again, it was as if I felt the words rather than heard them. But this time, he raised his head and continued. "I would consider it an insult to both of us if he had."

"Why? I'm not your usual type of client. I bet some people would expect extra compensation for taking me on."

He actually looked angry at my comment, but he refused to tell me why. "The explanation is not necessary for you to know."

Oh, wonderful. I ran into his privacy wall just at the point that I really wanted an answer. So, of course, I tried to push. "Come on! You can't just tell me that without an explanation."

Sanosh shook his head, but luckily didn't take offense at my persistence. "I will not answer that. As we agreed, I will simply consider this part of your innate curiousity. But I will not answer."

"But-" Damnit. I wanted to press him further, but he stopped me from asking anything more. He swallowed my cock in one quick, heart-stopping move. And then he put his talented mouth back to work 'relaxing' me.

For almost an hour after that, I forgot about my questions. In fact, I forgot about everything except the pleasure he was giving me.

But that distraction was only temporary, for even as he carried me back to bed, I was trying to figure out what he wasn't telling me.

I could tell he held me in high esteem. Higher than would be expected, given his usual company.

But what was such a big secret? Why was he afraid to tell me the reason that he liked me?

end part 4


	5. Chapter 5

Sanosh kept his secrets for two more days. After that, the universe's unpredictable nature laid havoc to his secrecy.

That's not to say that those two days weren't wonderful. They were. Because of him, I had two days of pampering, two days of him wait on me hand and foot. Despite my best efforts, he wouldn't have it any other way. He bullied me into allowing him to take care of me.

Every time I tried to get my own food or insist that I could wash my own hair, he glared at me. Then he sat me down so he could do the task for me.

He wouldn't let me do *anything*. Even when I searched the closets for pillows to lie on the floor with the copy of Leaves of Grass the hotel had provided, Sanosh gave me a dirty look before taking the pillows and arranging them on the floor for me.

The only thing I was allowed to do alone was relieve myself. I guessed that the only reason he let me do that was because I would most likely shy away in embarrassment.

He told me that the pampering was for my own good. Total relaxation was key to getting me back to fighting form. But even with the frequent massages and the sex that seemed to happen about every three hours (I could have sworn he timed it, like it was a pill I had to take at regular intervals. He probably thought it was, given what he knew of my reputation), after two days I began to get cabin fever.

So I suggested a walk to the beach a half-kilometer away. Part of me expected him to refuse. It was obvious that his privacy was important to him, and the beach was one of the more public places on the planet. But he didn't protest when I suggested that he join me for some sun and surf. In fact, he seemed to consider it part of his 'prescription'.

"That would be acceptable. Some exercise would aid in your recovery," he said agreeably as he stood up from kneeling in front of me. With one last swipe of his towel over my chest, he left me to recover from another mind-blowing orgasm.

I was rather lethargic and happy as I got up from the chair. But Sanosh took away some of the glow when, as we prepared to leave the room, he covered his thin but well-muscled physique with a flowing black robe.

Damn, that was a crime against people everywhere. I didn't realized how much I had appreciated just looking at him until he was covered up. But I knew that Vulcans were generally modest when it came to physical attributes, so I shrugged it off and considered myself lucky to see them at all.

Of course, his action made me remember all the times I had seen and touched those attributes. Because of the distracting nature of my thoughts, he ended up raising his eyebrow as I stared at him blankly. When I finally noticed, I shook my head with a chuckle, then put on my bathing trunks and grabbed the beach towels the hotel had provided. Five minutes later, I was waving the impatient Vulcan out the door.

At first, the walk to the beach was awkward. I didn't know what to say to him, and the silence was uncomfortable.

We hadn't said much over the past two days. Well, other than my complaints about Gary, which Sanosh saw as necessary for my recovery. And his complaints that I wasn't letting him do his job, which I accepted just as I would with Rand-with a shrug and a sheepish grin.

Our lack of small talk in the last two days made it hard to find a topic of conversation now. Until a loud humming sound made us look up. And put a smile on my face. "That's the Whitman."

Sanosh nodded as he shaded his eyes to see it better. "The new Miranda-class ship. I had heard it has landing capabilities."

"It does. And apparently Troy Robbins is showing them off." I ushered Sanosh over to a grassy area so we could watch the ship land. "She's a beautiful sight."

"And quite a technological accomplishment. The mass of most starships make them unlikely candidates for controlled landings." As the ship made its decent about 100 yards from us, the Vulcan seemed to be fascinated by the landing thrusters. Probably because they looked impossibly small compared to the size of the ship.

I was surprised by his interest-and knowledge-about one of my favorite subjects. But I hid my reaction to his words. I didn't want him clamming up now. Instead, I gave him a few more pieces of information to ponder. "The Whitman is half the size of the Enterprise. Its crew will have an easier time gathering samples on the newly discovered planets they're heading to because of the improvements."

Sanosh nodded and to my complete shock, rattled off the names of those planets.

How the hell did he know that information? "I thought the details of their mission were classified."

Sanosh said nothing, but I saw his hand twitch out of the corner of my eye. Strange. He was definitely uncomfortable with my words. He mustn't have known about the sensitivity of the information.

In my gut, I doubted that he was trying to jeopardize the Whitman's mission. But I wanted to know where he got his information. Somebody was saying things they shouldn't, and I wanted to know who.

So I told him the rest of what I knew about the Whitman, which was unclassified. "I only found out which way they were heading because some of their people are coming to the Enterprise once the gathering on Veridian II is complete. We have better equipment for soil and plant analysis. They can't fit the more powerful machines on their ship. That's one of the drawbacks to the ship's small size."

Although he appeared interested in my information, the Vulcan did not rise to my bait. He didn't offer up his source. But he did show me his integrity. He promised to not tell anyone else about the mission.

That promise was crucial for the Whitman and her crew. The ship would be passing close to some heavily trafficked blackmarket lanes between Arvos and Derys.

The planets weren't members of the Federation, but a lot of the merchants who sold to them were. And many of those merchants sold contraband Starfleet equipment. So when they saw a Federation ship, they tended to shoot first and ask questions later.

He thanked me for the explanation with a bowed head. I didn't know how to interpret that. Was he feeling guilty? Or did he show shame on his face for my benefit?

Nothing in his demeanor indicated a lie, so I guessed it was the former.

Assuming he had met up with an admiral who talked too much somewhere along the way (there were more of them than Starfleet cared to admit, so it was actually rather likely), I told him to not be so hard on himself. Then I steered him back to the beach, where I immediately went to take a dip in the cold, clear water.

It was just what I needed. The ocean was a sensual pleasure as thrilling as the ones Sanosh had been giving me. The water flowed across my body and energized me.

But its temperature was quite a shock. I had spent so much time being touched by a desert-hot Vulcan that the cool ocean felt colder than it should.

So after a few minutes, I decided to head back to the beach and sun myself for awhile. I turned to find Sanosh, as I had lost track of where I was while I was swimming. I saw him about 30 yards away, sitting on one of the towels I had left for him.

I was surprised to find that he was talking to someone. By the looks of the man, and the red tunic slung over his back, he was in Starfleet. Engineering or security. As I got closer, I recognized the insignia. He was from the Farragut.

Curious as to what made a young officer approach a high-class prostitute, I slowed my steps so I could listen without interrupting them.

They seemed to be talking about warp drives in more detail than one would expect in a casual conversation. Quite a bit of jargon was falling from Sanosh's lips. But that wasn't the shocking part. A minute later, the officer thanked Sanosh and walked away with a "Have a good vacation, Professor Spock."

That nearly had me face down in the sand.

After a moment of just staring at Sanosh, I came over to his side. By the time I arrived, he was flushed an olive green and looking at me nervously. He knew I had heard them.

"I don't think you can avoid explaining that one, Professor," I said calmly as I sat down beside him and dried off with my towel.

Sanosh nodded resignedly. "Being recognized was a risk from the moment I arrived here. One I had to be willing to take if I was to be with you."

He didn't tell me anything more. And for the moment, I was content to wait. We sat in comfortable silence, because, for once, I knew where I stood with him. He had left behind his pedestal of unattainability, his secrecy, even his Vulcan mysticism. Because I knew he was he was an Academy professor. And every single one of them was a Starfleet officer.

He was one of us. Or at least, he had been.

After taking a few minutes to calm myself, I decided to go for another dip in the ocean. This time I swam for almost an hour, diving into the waves and letting them crash over me. My new discovery was satifying, but also somewhat disturbing. So I let the ocean pummel the strange feelings out of me as I turned my new knowledge over in my mind.

Prostitution was a revered profession on many planets. Vulcan even had its own form, even though very few offworlders knew much about it. Generally, working in that capacity was not something many beings aspired to (Edan being a notable exception. He had told Bones he had known it was what he wanted from puberty.). So what made a Starfleet officer changed careers so dramatically?

Then I considered the being himself. I realized that I knew who Sanosh, or Spock, was. His life had been on public display since his birth.

Spock was the son of Ambassador Sarek and his human wife, Amanda Grayson. He was the first Vulcan-Human hybrid to survive past age five. And he was extremely intelligent. When he had joined Starfleet, many said he would captain a ship by 25. When he joined the Academy teaching ranks instead of one of the ships, they said he and his students would cause breakthroughs on the level of Henry Ford or the Wright brothers.

So how had he ended up here? I was dying to know.

When I made it to shore again, Sanosh had regained his composure. As I came up to him, he stood and handed me my towel and said softly, "I have set up a private dining room at the hotel. There, we can share a meal and I will speak of my past and present."

Although that was exactly what I wanted to hear, I knew he was breaking every one of his rules for me. "Why? Why not just lie and tell me that guy was mistaken?"

Sanosh sighed as if something was weighing him down. "Because I have kept too much of the truth from you."

Too much? Truth? He made it sound as if I had figured into his plans before we met. "I don't understand. What truth?"

"You are the reason I came to Risa." Then, before I could say anything, he started walking up the hill and back to the hotel.

I hurried to catch up with him, my mind whirling. How could he have been here for me?

I had assumed he had been here to find high paying clients. I figured it was a coincidence that he had been nearby when Bones' benefactor called.

But if he had wanted to add me to his list of conquests, he could have easily found out that I was coming to Risa. Shore leaves for each ship are posted on Starfleet news feeds, so civilians could meet their friends and family when they arrived.

But why had he come? It was pure coincidence that I came to be with him. I wasn't one to frequent paid sex services. In fact, if he had approached me an hour earlier, I would have rejected him immediately.

Because I had been preparing to get married!

end part 5


	6. Chapter 6

Dinner with Sanosh was an enlightening experience. As he explained the reasons for his lies and omissions, I found myself warming to him. That was surprising, especially after I heard how I fit into all of it.

As we prepared for dinner, however, we were rather uncomfortable with each other.

I needed time to adjust to the knowledge I had gained on the beach. I felt like he had led me on, like I should have known. His identity had been staring me in the face and I missed it.

That bothered the hell out of me. I didn't like missing things. So I used the time preparing for dinner to mull over what I already knew, so I could prepare myself to face whatever else he had to tell me.

First, there was the obvious fact that I had missed. I had known the name 'Spock' practically all my life. From the beginning of his life, he had been the media's darling. His every step was followed fromm all over the galaxy.

Because, at birth, he was one of four Human-Vulcan hybrids. They were celebrated as logical accomplishments in the unification of the galaxy. And, well, the Earth media saw them as really cute kids that people liked to watch.

But by age five, he was unique. He was the only hybrid child to survive shar-has, a Vulcan disease of childhood as common as the human chicken pox.

Because he was now the only being of his kind, Spock was watched obsessively until he joined the Academy. But then things changed, the Academy slammed the door in the reporters' faces. Only periodic newsfeeds gave updates of his accomplishments after he walked into Cochrane Hall. Those newsfeeds had few pictures, which is why I didn't recognize him. He had grown from a cute kid to a heart-stoppingly gorgeous adult. And few knew.

But I didn't think of all this when Sanosh mentioned the name 'Spock.' I had automatically assumed it was a fake name, and therefore not worth thinking about. Only when I heard it come out of a Starfleet officer's mouth, did my mistake become clear.

But now that I remembered, I wanted to know more. I felt that I was entitled to know more because Sanosh had indicated that I was involved in his life somehow.

So I sat at the empty table the concierge directed me to. Sanosh or Spock (I had no idea what to call him now. My new knowledge made even that simple issue rather confusing) had left our room a half hour ago. He told me he had something to do and would meet me in the dining room.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long. Nervous anticipation was making me want to jump out of my skin.

But that changed to a punch-in-the-gut arousal when I saw him come into the room. He had changed and was now wearing black trousers with a black turtleneck. Simple clothes that flattered his exotic looks.

I couldn't help but stare, even though I had seen the man naked for most of two days.

But my arousal died when I saw the serious expression on his face. In lieu of greeting me, he bowed his head and said, "I apologize for my deception."

Leave it to a Vulcan to get straight to the point. I sighed and waved him toward his chair. "Sit down. There's so much that we have to talk about that I don't know what to ask you first."

He inclined his head thoughtfully as he made himself comfortable. "I, too, share that dilemma. It is necessary to tell you the truths I had kept from you, but I do not know which truth to begin with."

We were interrupted by the waiter, who brought us wine and Vulcan tea. The time it took to place our food orders gave me a chance to think. So when he left, I said, "Start at the beginning. It'll give you some time to work up to the difficult stuff. I assume your leaving Starfleet had nothing to do with me?"

Sanosh gave me a conflicted look. "It did...but your involvement was indirect."

I thought the shocks ended at the beach. I thought somewhere along the line, he'd say that he admired me and he had pursued me because he wanted to put a notch in his mental bedpost. I didn't expect him to say I helped end of one of the most promising Starfleet careers ever.

So I think I could be forgiven for staring at him with my mouth hanging open.

He seemed to expect my reaction, because he simply pushed my glass of water towards me so I could regain my composure.

"You're-you're going to have to explain that," I choked.

Sanosh took a deep breath, then began, "I chose to teach at the Academy after my tenure as a cadet because of the uncertainty of my physical condition. I had not yet achieved sexual maturity. My body was due to go through some difficult changes. Since I was the only hybrid to survive to this point, nobody could do more than speculate about how well my body would be able to handle them. So I thought it best to stay on Earth, where quick contact with Vulcan healers was possible."

I nodded as our first course was placed in front of us. "A logical thing to do."

He seemed pleased with my calm reaction. "I believed so, and my father agreed. He was actually quite relieved I chose that course, as he disapproved of my joining Starfleet because he was afraid that I would be killed in a mission, or so my mother claims."

I chuckled softly and waved my fork at him. "That's a very typical parental response. My dad was angry at me when I made captain so quickly. When I asked him about it, he admitted he was scared for me. He had never made captain. He had never wanted to, because as second officer, he could see the weight under which the captain operated."

Sanosh's eyes widened, as if my story cleared things up for him. But he had a lot more to say. So, after taking a moment to eat some of his salad, he continued. "I had only spent a year teaching when an emergency forced me to go with the Defiant to Sartec. They needed an expert on dilithium water filtration systems, which are used extensively on Vulcan. I had studied them during my youth, so I was considered an expert. I was sent rather hastily, without Starfleet's usual situation checks, because the water would poison the populace if it wasn't filtered."

"Sartec?" I gasped. "That was you?" Was he telling me that he was the Vulcan I had rescued? The one who couldn't lift his head to meet my eyes?

Sanosh nodded. "By the time you and the rest of the crew of the Alexander arrived at the planet, I had spent fifteen days at the hands of the rebels forces who had sabotaged the system. They were convinced that I had information concerning the whereabouts of the king. To get it, they had tortured me with riithlin."

"That drug is said to make Vulcans go mad," I commented sympathetically. He must have suffered quite a bit. The stories I had heard about that stuff were horrible.

"That is not entirely correct. We do not go mad. We..." Sanosh trailed off, then a steely look came into his eyes. He seemed to need to brace himself to be able to continue. "This is not something we tell outsiders, but you need to know because it explains how we are connected." When I nodded and assured him I'd keep it secret, he continued, "It makes us, according to the human colloquialism, 'go into heat'. Vulcans call it pon farr."

I stared at him. "What?" Images of my many sexual partners filled my head. I had been aroused by each and every one of them. But none of them had made me go mad. "That makes no sense. Why would they torture you with something like that?"

Sanosh shook his head. "I am not explaining well. I apologize. I have very little experience in talking about this. Our bodies prepare for reproduction every seven years. Riithlin, and drugs like it, artificially induce this state. In fact, the drugs were initially developed to aid fertility."

I wanted to ask where the madness came in, but I could see that he still struggled to get the words out. So I waited.

He seemed to gather strength when he looked at me, because his voice was calmer as he said, "But in the wrong hands, they became torture devices. Pon farr is an embarrassing and frightening time for most Vulcans, as logic leaves us completely during this time and we become quite aggressive and uncontrollable. To have it occur when you do not expect it is quite traumatic."

I wanted to roll my eyes. I had the feeling he was undertating things again. Damn, that's a hell of a away to have kids. But that did explain a piece of the puzzle. "That's why you were so withdrawn."

Sanosh nodded. "The sexual need was still within me when your crew rescued me and the other prisoners. In that state, I automatically use my touch telepathy as a way to test my compatibility with each person who comes near me. When I find such a being, my mind will automatically attempt to create a link, as a psychic link or bond is imperative during mating.

"Unfortunately, I found a compatible being while I was being rescued. But I was unable to mate with him."

He stared straight at me.

I thought back to the events of that day. I, as head of security, had taken a group into the fortress to release the prisoners. I had opened all the cells, while my people had guided the prisoners to the surface. Except for the last prisoner. I had stepped inside the cell and helped the being...this Vulcan...to his feet and up the stairs. The whole time, Spock had never raised his head. I never saw his face. It had been hidden in the cowl of the cloak he was wearing.

But he had stirred something within me. I had been surprised to find that touching him had made my hands tingle. That helped carve our brief encounter into my mind.

And now it suddenly made sense. "Your mind found me compatible."

"Yes." He inclined his head.

But the story wasn't over. So I prodded him. "And what does that have to do with...your career change?"

"Even though the healers were able to stop the cycle, my body was still vulnerable. They recommended that I bond with a mate as soon as possible. I searched Starfleet's database to discover who you were. When I found your file, I knew that I could not ask you to become my mate. Your career was progressing rather swiftly. I would interrupt that if I claimed you, for according to Starfleet policy at the time, we could not serve together.

"Neither could I ask you to leave Starfleet. Even at this early date, it was apparent that you were destined to be one of the galaxy's defenders. So I decided to find another compatible being. Because the healers said my natural pon farr could come more swiftly than expected, I needed to proceed with haste. Making a career change was the only logical choice."

I snorted. That logic sounded a bit twisted to me. But I could hear echoes of his desperation he must have felt at the time. My amusement left in a hurry and I began to contemplate his situation.

All in all, he had done well for himself despite his difficulties. He had wealth and influence. So he must have made his choice with plenty of forethought. So I couldn't really fault him for it.

However, there was one problem. "But that was four years ago." I said softly. "And you're still at it."

Sanosh nodded. "As a hybrid, my biology is never certain. I did not go through the mating cycle, but I considered it prudent to continue searching for another potential mate."

I sighed sympathetically. "But you haven't found anyone else who is compatible."

Sanosh shook his head. "And my need has now become urgent. The day before you came to Risa, I began to feel within me the first stages of pon farr."

end part 6


	7. Chapter 7

His words had me up and out of my chair before I knew what I was doing. I have no excuse for my behavior. All I can say is that because of my past, something in me snapped.

My mind flooded with anger and panic. "You're using me!" I yelled.

Oh, I knew that even if I found out it was true, the 'using' worked both ways. But it didn't matter that I was using him. He had been willing. In fact, he was getting paid for it. That made it fair, at least to my panicked mind.

But as for me, well, I hated to feel used. It all went back to when I was thirteen, when I used my body to save people's lives. I had had no choice, not if I wanted to keep the others from starving to death.

After it was all over, I had told myself that it had been worth it. But I paid the price for my sacrifice. I had deep scars in my psyche that I tried not to touch. That Sanosh inadvertantly disturbed.

So now, I was backed up against the wall, absurdly afraid that he'd come over and penetrate me while I was slammed up against it. And that I'd hate what he would do. Or even worse, that I'd love it.

Oh, I liked my sex a little rough at times. Many people do. But there was a definitive line that you didn't cross with me. Especially when I was on the receiving end.

But even as those thoughts ran through my head, I could see a morose expression settle on his face. Actually, he looked like I kicked him in the worst place possible.

When he bowed his head as if in remorse, I finally was able to get my emotions under control. I was finally able to remind myself that I had put all that behind me years ago. And I was able to whisper, "Are you using me?"

"Not as of yet." Sanosh whispered back. He seemed to understand something was going on inside me, because he was hesitant to speak for a few minutes. But when I said nothing, he continued. "However, it was one possibility I had considered. As a last resort."

"Are we there yet? At your last resort?" I choked out, as the fear attempted to overwhelm me again. That 'in heat' thing of his, that pon farr...it sounded like something that could lead to desperate choices.

Sanosh shook his head. "I am in the first stage of my cycle. I will not completely lose my capacity for logic until the second stage, the plak-tow, begins. I do not have long, however, before choices become difficult."

I was curious despite my lingering feelings. "Can you just let it pass?"

"No, it will kill me if I don't mate."

"Damn," I swore softly. That meant I had to help him somehow. But did I really want to bond with him? I didn't even know him!

Even so, his calm under pressure convinced me to move back to the table. Once I examined his face again and saw his expression had not changed, I sat down. "What do we do, then?"

"It is not your difficulty, Captain." His words were pure cold, logical Vulcan.

"Bullshit, Commander. No matter how you look at it, I'm involved," I said, trying to pull at his sense of duty. He had been a Starfleet officer. Even though he'd been gone for four years, I could see the demeanor was still within him. And I had a feeling he made a deal with the admiralty to get back in when this quest was over.

That would explain the political mechanations that Bones went through with them when he was offered Edan...Hold it. Hold on one second.

"You're Bones' benefactor!" I exclaimed as the pieces finally fell into place.

Spock nodded. "I met Dr. McCoy on Earth once the Alexander brought me back. He had been called in because he had written a paper on hybridization and its possible complications. Because of interest in my condition when I was fifteen and going through some unexpected physical changes, he had met with my mother during her visit with her family in Florida and had asked for data concerning me. Mother found him both quite logical and...sympathetic, I believe, is the word she used.

"So when I arrived on Earth after my imprisonment, he was called in to help me end my artificial cycle. Which he did, with alacrity. And without the pity that most healers, both human and Vulcan, would have shown me. I did not need pity. I needed to gather my composure. As he dosed the medication to help my body get rid of the drug, he brought back that composure in a most unusual way."

I raised my eyebrow. "How's that?"

"He fought with me," he said with a note of incredulity in his voice.

That pulled a laugh from me. "That's Bones. His bedside manner is unusual, but it works more often than not."

Spock inclined his head in agreement. "Before that day, I would have called it illogical. But after experience with him, I can see the logic in not letting one's patients dwell on their difficulties. A challenge gives one purpose."

I nodded. "And I can understand your desire to show him gratitude. He invites it, with his humble yet egotistical attitude. But why three years after the event? And why Edan?"

As I waited for his answer, I ate some more of my dinner. It was cold, but suddenly, I was very hungry. Maybe it was the thrill that was beginning to flow through me. I could never let a mystery pass me by. And Spock seemed to be one mystery after another.

After a few comfortable minutes, he replied. "Since your doctor was so kind to me, I had wanted to do something to repay his odd generosity. But I did not know how until, by coincidence, I ran into Edan when I followed the Enterprise to Betazed a year and a half ago."

Here, I interrupted him. "How often did you follow us?" Oddly, I wasn't bothered by this. But I did want to know why he did it. He could have just checked with Starfleet. It was obvious that he still had some powerful connections there.

"I have followed you once or twice a year since the link was created between us. For my well-being, I needed to assure myself that you were well." He held up his hand when I started to protest that I could take care of myself. "I did not interfere with you. I simply watched from afar."

I sighed. "I guess I can see why. If I was your last hope..."

Spock bowed his head. "For your sake I did not want it to be so. But I had to consider the possibility."

"It looks like I'm your only hope now." I stated the obvious, and suddenly my fear was completely gone.

It was Spock's turn to sigh and nod. He didn't want to do this to me...whatever 'this' was.

After an uncomfortable silence, I spoke up again. "So what about Edan?"

"I made his acquaintance in an outdoor market that you and Dr. McCoy were touring. For a reason I am unable to fathom, he found me both interesting and easy to talk to, even though I did not say much to him. Atfer asking me a few questions that I declined to answer, he mentioned that he was a prostitute, and was looking for new clients.

"When I told him I was uninterested in his services, he seemed...disappointed. He began to move away to search for more willing targets. So I turned to watch you. I believe you and Dr. McCoy were examining a vase from Hayas. Edan followed my gaze, and when he saw your CMO, he said, quite sincerely, 'On second thought, I'd rather have him.'

"After a moment of contemplation, I suggested to Edan that I could make this happen for him. But I was adament that it should be done my way.

"He was so eager when I said this, that he agreed without hesitation and when I asked about his fee, declined payment for being with McCoy."

I narrowed my eyes in disbelief. "He does it for free?"

"Not completely. I buy him transportation and a new set of outfits for each meeting. But those items cost much less than his usual fee. He said that he could not take more for doing something he enjoys so thoroughly."

That brought up another point. "You lied about your compensation as well. You are paying for all this without getting anything back." I waved my hand to indicate our private dining room.

Spock shook his head. "But I am. I am enjoying your company."

"And the sex?" I had to know. He was an expert. I wanted to know how I compared.

"It is enough to keep the symptoms of pon farr at bay a little longer."

That wasn't exactly what I was expecting. So I pressed him further. "But do you enjoy it?"

"It is physically stimulating, yes." He said this with all the enthusiasm of talking about the weather in Antarctica.

I let out a frustrated grunt as I tried not to feel insulted. "Thanks. I'm sorry I don't meet your expectations."

Spock shook his head. "As a human would say, 'It is not you, it is me.' I have not accessed the link we share. That is why I appear less than satisfied. I cannot be, without a meeting of minds."

"Then why haven't you done it?" This cycle of his had forced him to leave Starfleet! Why wasn't he taking what he needed?

"It would be quite rude to access the link without your permission."

Oh, great. More Vulcan manners. But somehow I was flattered that he respected beings that much to stick to the rules. I had met too many people who didn't. Like Gary.

But there was still more to all this. He hadn't told me everything yet.

I figured that out when I remembered a conversation I had with Bones about a year ago. "It's also kind of rude to offer me two weeks when you know you don't have that long. Bones did mention the Vulcan mating cycle once, when comparing it to a few others. He told me that it was a week long and when unfulfilled could sicken or kill. So when will the...lack of satisfaction begin to make you ill?"

"After the sixth day. It will kill me on the ninth or tenth." Spock didn't look at me. It was obvious that he didn't like admitting this.

Up to this point, his difficulty had been rather abstract. But knowing I would end up seeing him suffer, I said, "Then you have a responsibility to me. I demand my two weeks. Whether you are getting paid or not, you made me an offer and I accepted. So stick to it and tell me how to help you so you can do your job."

end part 7


	8. Chapter 8

Note: Sorry for the delay. I was in the middle of a tornado Thursday.

Spock raised his eyebrow at me. "I did not expect this reaction from you."

I returned his eyebrow and raised him a grimace. "What? You didn't expect me to care about you?" When he inclined his head slightly, I sighed. "Then you have a lot to learn about me."

When he turned his head away, as if in shame, I groaned inside my head. Damnit, he had made some odd decisions, but he had nothing to be ashamed of. But I didn't think I knew him well enough to praise him for his success, in either business or his rather difficult personal life. So I did the next best thing.

"Finish your dinner." I waved at his plate like an overbearing mother. If his cycle was going to be rough on him, well, he needed to keep up his strength. And that I could talk to him about.

Yes, I know. This is part of who I am. I tend to order people around when I worry about them. I do it to help them help themselves. If that doesn't work, I usually end up doing the job for them. Yes, that was how I got into the situation with Gary. But knowing that didn't stop me from trying again.

Am I a glutton for punishment? Probably. But inaction would drive me crazy, especially when someone's life was on the line.

Luckily, Spock didn't seem offended when I started giving him commands. He just finished his dinner and stood up as soon as his plate was clean. In fact, as he looked down at me, his face had a hint of a smile on it. He was amused by my behavior.

I smiled back at him as I finished the last bite of my food. Then I stood up as well and followed him out the door. I didn't realize he had been nervous the whole time we had been together until now. It only dawned on me when he looked back at me and I saw serenity on his face. He trusted me.

That was something I didn't take lightly. Trust was hard to come by. And it was essential when you were trying to save that person's life.

Because I wasn't sure how to keep that trust, I was suddenly very nervous. Oh well. A few nerves usually helped me in a situation. So I payed them no mind as we headed upstairs.

When we got back to our room, I ushered Spock over to the couch. Then I sat down on the cherrywood coffee table and asked, "Now what haven't you told me? You can quit trying to protect me. I can take care of myself. Whatever I have to do, I will."

"I can also handle myself adequately at this time, Captain," Spock replied softly. "I still have time to find someone else. Your participation may not be necessary."

"It's absolutely necessary," I countered heatedly. "I owe it to you and I owe it to the galaxy. They need you and you need to move on. I can't leave that to just anyone. Even if you choose another at this point, I need to know that the person is able to help you. Your life is waiting for you."

"I have had an adequate life for the last four years." He said this with a hint of doubt, as if he were trying to convince himself.

"Oh yeah?" I looked at him critically. "Have you had a good time having sex with rich people and renting expensive hotel rooms?"

To my surprise, Spock bent his head and his face started to turn a dark green. "I have only had intercourse with four people, including yourself."

"What?" I nearly fell back as I tried to understand what he was saying. "You're a sex professional. How do you not have sex?"

Spock shook his head. "I have solicited meetings with potential persons. However, I did not have intercourse with them because they were not mentally compatible with me."

Now that made sense, in a rather twisted way. "So who did you have sex with?"

"Prostitutes," Spock said matter-of-factly.

"Prostitutes?" I repeated slowly. The being before me was getting stranger by the minute.

He nodded. "So I could learn their techniques. I needed to learn how to please another being sexually."

I thought about this for a moment. Not all people wanted their partners to have sexual experience beforehand. So why did he bother to learn without knowing who this partner would be?

Or did he know? I stared at him. I thought some more about him. Then my mind, without conscious direction, turned to remembering what I had been like before I dated Gary. Now, I understood. "You were preparing for me."

Spock raised his eyes to mine hesitantly. "Yes. After two years, I came to the conclusion that you were most likely the only being compatible with me."

"I was going to marry Gary," I protested. Then I shook my head and tried to clear it. I didn't want to think about the shape Spock and I would be in now if that had actually happened. It was too depressing.

But my companion put my mind at ease in his own Vulcan way. "There was a 75 percent chance that if you did, the marriage would not last a year. So I prepared even after hearing about your plans. At that point, it was best to do that and hope you would be free by the time my pon farr was upon me."

"And here we are. We both got lucky." I shook my head in amazement. "I'm sure your equations didn't account for my stubborn streak. I would have stuck by him if we were committed, no matter how bad the pain was. Hell, I considered it when I walked in on him and Rand."

"I prefer to believe that your sense of self preservation would have not allowed that to happen. But I agree, it is fortuitous that your discovery happened before your ceremony. It allowed for a quick separation, and for me to aid in your recovery." Spock examined my face and seemed satisfied that my 'recovery' was progressing adequately.

But after a few moments, his gaze felt too sharp. I began to worry that he'd see inside me, to the parts even I didn't like. So I changed the subject. "So if you aren't really a prostitute, what do you do for money and how did you build that reputation of yours?"

Spock turned green again. "I have been redesigning starship engine parts to make them more efficient and selling them to Starfleet. Since the admirals I sold the parts to wanted me back among them, they were willing to lie and say that I had had intercourse with them and that they had seen me with various media celebrities."

I whistled softly and then chuckled softly. "Now that sounds more like the boy I remember. But you just blew the rumor that Vulcans do not lie."

Spock inclined his head, acknowledging his reputation. "It was an adequate way to make the money I needed as well as keep my connections with Starfleet." Then he paused before sitting a little straighter. "And I did not lie. Admiral Nogura and Admiral Pike did."

I chuckled, but that died quickly as he stopped speaking. The way he talked about all of this, the hope he had in his voice, drew me to him. I touched his face gently with the palm of my hand. Somehow, I had to reassure him that his hope wasn't in vain. I would help him in his crisis.

Yeah, I had the sneaking suspicion that it would change me for life. But still, here I was, getting to know him, and finding him...fascinating. And quite worthy of the attention I was paying him. At the moment, I would do anything to be able to watch him for the rest of my life.

And as far as how we had gotten to this point...I had just about forgiven him for the deception. Hell, he had tried to keep me out of the situation. But fate had other plans.

Hell, he was a unique being. Maybe, by some fluke of the universe, there was only one person he could mate with correctly.

It was certainly beginning to look that way. I could only hope he found me worth all his preparation.

Damn, I was beginning to feel like a nervous groom again. But this time, I ended up in some strange arranged marriage. Arranged by fate, arranged by genetics.

And, although part of me wanted it, I didn't know if it would work. But I had to try, for his sake.

But something still bothered me about how we had arrived at this point.

"Did you create the reputation to trick me?" I asked with a sharp tone. Disapproval. I didn't want him thinking I was only attracted to promiscuous beings. For everyone knew that Vulcans were not promiscuous-or they put up a good act. The separation rate for marriages was extremely low. Maybe the pon farr, and the mental compatibility issue had something to do with that.

Spock shook his head. "To draw people to me. Of course, pretending to be a prostitute created some difficulties. I drew some unwanted people. But it also drew beings I would not have considered otherwise. So I was able to search in diverse groups for the being who would allow me to let you be. But that person, if he or she exists, was not to be found."

I sighed empathetically. I might not know what pon farr was like, but I did understand the search for the right person. I had been looking all of my life with little success until I landed on the Enterprise and Gary started to look my way. Part of me had thought it ended with Gary.

Part of me knew better before I even proposed marriage.

But Spock was nothing like Gary. Or was he?

Not knowing why I did it, I leaned in to kiss him softly. As I did, I knew I was treading on dangerous ground. For some reason, I was willing to end my search right here, with this being.

If I could trust him.

In my gut, I knew this was the reason Spock had spent four years trying to find someone to replace me. It wasn't because he found me unacceptable. It was because I might find him so. He knew I needed someone by my side that I trusted.

He was Starfleet through and through, even without the patch on his shirt. It was drilled into the cadets from day one that the ship's well-being depended on the captain's well-being. He knew that being proposed to by a total stranger could threaten the relationship between me and the rest of the ship.

And then there was the rule that had been in place when Spock had started his search. The one that had recently changed. The one that had led me to consider marrying Gary, and nearly going through with it.

Was that the reason I was suddenly back on Spock's list of potential mates? Is that why he was willing to set aside all of his objections to mating with me? Because he could now join me on the ship and try to foster a relationship as well as a marriage?

But before I could consider that thought further, Spock kissed me back. His lips pulled gently at mine, and warmed them, warmed me in ways I didn't know existed before he walked into my life. I was instantly lost in the feel of him.

He took advantage of my distraction to give us both what we wanted. Before I knew what was happening, Spock pulled me off the coffee table and into his arms. He kissed me deeply as his hands caressed my body, setting fires across my skin. As I burned, my clothes disappeared. Then his were gone. And the fire he set off in me turned into an inferno as the feel of his hot skin stoked my lust.

Then, he pulled me up and before I could make sense of it, I was over him and inside him. Groaning, all I could do was thrust. I had no control. It felt as if I was a puppet and he was pulling the strings.

Not that I wanted anything else at that point. It felt too good to stop. And when I looked into his eyes, his intense gaze told me that he was also exactly where he wanted to be.

All too soon, I came in him with a roar. Our orgasms, within seconds of each other, shook the couch so hard that I thought it was going to tip over. But I couldn't bring myself to care as I collapsed on him and almost instantly fell asleep.

I woke up a couple hours later to find him still sleeping in his position half-beside, half-under me. He looked so serene, so young, that I could almost forget that he was on the verge of being rocked by a biological cycle that could kill him.

Unless he mated, both mentally and physically.

Hold it! Why didn't he?

I had told him that I was more than willing to help him out. But we had had ordinary sex. I was sure I'd have known if he touched the link between us. I had felt it when it formed. Hell, my hand had felt it for days afterward.

But I hadn't felt anything like it this time. He had done nothing to help calm that monster growing within him.

Why? I knew he had tried to do me the favor of finding someone else. But we both knew he no longer had that choice.

So what had made him push his needs aside when he could have satisfied me and helped himself at the same time? Was he being polite? Did he want to perform some ceremony? I shook my head as I stared at his face. After four years, I would have just wanted it all over with. And in his face, I had seen a tiredness that made me think he wanted the same.

It was then that Spock opened his eyes to my puzzled expession. After a moment, he reached up to touch my face and said, "You were nearly trapped in a trustless relationship with Mr. Mitchell. I will not do that to you. I would rather die than force you into a marriage where you are in constant doubt of your spouse."

Damnit, he had somehow read my mind! His invasion of my privacy was infuriating, but almost immediately, I pushed away my anger. I had to tell him that it was okay. I had to convince him to take what he needed from me.

But I couldn't reassure him. In fact, I couldn't say anything. Because he was right. All of his deceptions and all of his lies had made me suspicious of his every move.

I suddenly felt like I had escaped the frying pan that was Gary Mitchell, only to fall straight into Spock's fire.

end part 8


	9. Chapter 9

My head whirled with confused thoughts until I realized what had happened. We had come to an impasse, a stalemate. If one of us took a wrong step at this point, the amicable relationship we had at the moment could become ugly very quickly.

It could become deadly just as quickly. Spock, being a Vulcan, was a hell of a lot stronger than I was.

Of course, the last thing I wanted was him coming after me with death in his eyes. So I took some time to think. After we stared at each other for a moment, I asked, "How can you see inside my head? Is it the link? Am I sending you my thoughts?"

I was afraid of the answer, but I needed to know.

Spock did his best to lower his head in a non-threatening manner, even though it was difficult in his awkward position under me. "No. I would not use the connection between us without your permission. However, that is not the only way I can hear your mind.

"Like all Vulcans, I am a touch telepath. I can sense a person's feelings and some thoughts when I am in physical contact with them."

"So you don't even need the link when you're touching me. You invaded my mind and didn't have the decency to tell me you were doing it!" I accused as I jumped off the couch and started pulling on some clothes. I needed a shield, any shield, between us. I suddenly felt violated. I felt like he had been hiding his true intentions from me: to destroy me.

Yes, I know I didn't have one scrap of proof. But to a human, what he did was unimaginable. It was shattering. I felt like he had taken some of my identity away from me because he had taken my secrets from me.

Spock seemed to realize the extent of his trangression. Because he sat up and wrapped his arms around himself. Then he said very softly, "I apologize. It was not my intention to invade your privacy, but it was the best way to figure out how to please you."

He looked at me hesitantly. "Even though your exploits are speculated on all over the galaxy, I could not find any of the details of your encounters with others."

"Of course not. I don't kiss and tell," I snapped, ignoring his obvious discomfort in my anger.

But I couldn't just ignore him. There was too much at stake. So I started pacing, as I usually do when trying to figure out a difficult problem.

After a few turns around the room, my head began to clear from its emotional fog and I was able to ask myself the most important question.

Did I want to leave him?

Part of me did. He had violated my trust. He had seen the pieces of me that I had hid from the universe.

But he had been under a time constraint. His deception was meant to entice me to him quickly so he could offer me the chance to help him. And I did want to help him.

Giving that help appeared to come with a caveat. My freedom.

I wasn't sure I could handle that. I'd end up suffocating. I'd end up hating him. And in the end, I wouldn't do him any good.

Was there a way around that problem? I wasn't sure.

I paused my pacing in the middle of my thoughts. This impasse couldn't last much longer. As I looked him up and down carefully, I noticed that he was already in distress. His skin was becoming pale. His hands were possessed by a fine tremor. It was only noticeable if you stared at them for a minute, but it was definitely there.

"The deadly part of your pon farr is coming soon, isn't it?" I asked softly. There was no other explanation for how bad he looked, unless he had become infected by some virus that had been lurking in this room, waiting to kill him.

Damn, I have to be careful about how much I hang around Bones. I was starting to pick up his paranoia.

"Yes," he agreed. "I am losing control faster than I expected." He attempted to bury himself in the couch cushions, as if they could hold back the tide of hormones rushing through him. But we both knew that anything he tried would be futile. It would also be dangerous. Because he had to accept what was happening, or die from his denial.

That knowledge put a vulnerability in his eyes now. Even though I've seen those dark orbs many times before, I've never seen them like this. Not in the bar, not in this room, not even on the videos of him as a kid. But I suspected if he had raised his head the first time we met, if I had seen his eyes that day on Sartec, I would have found this look there.

It was that thought that drove my doubts from me. Get your ass in gear, James T. He can't wait for you to get over your nerves.

So I shook myself and leaned over him to make sure he didn't find a way to hide from me.

"Look, we can work this out," I coaxed. "On Earth, marriages come in many varieties. Maybe we can find one that works for us."

Spock's eyes narrowed in suspicion as I spoke. But he must have thought the idea had merit, because he didn't say 'no' outright.

"Explain," he said in a voice that was sharp with curiousity.

I tried to keep the nervousness out of my voice as I complied. "I'm sure you know that the human institution of marriage is flexible. The individuals involved make up the rules concerning who they marry and what is considered acceptable once they are married. We have opposite-sex and same-sex marriages, as Vulcans do. But we also have some marriages with more than two members, and ones we call open marriages."

"I know of the flexibility in some human relationships in terms of membership. However, the 'open marriage' is new to me." His voice was soft, submissive.

I didn't like it. I didn't want to be the one to change him for the worse.

Spock looked up at me as I stopped pacing and stomped over to a spot in front of him.

This caused him to give me a worried look, but I did my best to ignore it as I gave him the answer he wanted.

"It's a relationship where the members agree that exclusivity will not be part of their marriage. They date other people and have other sexual relationships as well as other friendships."

He raised his eyebrow skeptically. "Then why enter into a marriage at all? Sexual exclusivity is one of the benefits of such an arrangement for most beings. There are other types of relationships that can provide sexual satisfaction without commitment."

But despite his doubts, I could see him beginning to ponder my words. I had a feeling he knew where I was leading him.

So I rushed to give him more information before he rejected the idea. "So each partner has someone they can come back to when they need to. There is a trust, of a different type. It isn't the trust of everyday living. It's a trust based on supporting each other's independent decisions, sometimes at a distance."

Spock still seemed in doubt, but just then he shivered violently and moaned as if in great pain.

I froze in worry. His time was up. He needed my help now.

Almost instantly, I found myself kneeling in front of him. "We can do this. I promise I'll come to you when you need me. You can trust me. But you're right about my state of mind. I don't know how to trust you right now. The wounds...are too fresh." I sighed. I wished it didn't have to be this way. But although this whole situation felt rushed and awkward, I reached for his hand.

It seemed to do him some good. "I understand your difficulty. You may do as you like after we are bonded. In fact, for the sake of yourself and your ship, I encourage you to seek relations with beings you can trust. I, however, will not seek any other," Spock whispered as he seemed to calm under my touch.

I nodded. "That is your choice. But don't constrain yourself for my sake. It won't bother me if you find someone else."

Spock squeezed my hand gently. "My decision is best for me."

I smiled at the imperious attitude in his voice. That was more like it. He sounded much more like the staid, by-the-book Vulcan I had seen in the Starfleet newsfeeds.

Then something occurred to me and I started to worry again. "Would we be breaking any Vulcan rules?"

Luckily, my worries were unfounded. "I am not aware of any Vulcan having an 'open marriage'. But there are no contraints against such an arrangement."

"And you? What do you think of it? Would it meet your needs?" I asked cautiously. To me, this seemed like the best choice. But he was from a different place, another culture. He could have objections that I couldn't understand.

I was determined to help him. But I couldn't do it the conventional way. A regular marriage might end up hurting us because I wasn't ready. I might never be ready after what Gary did.

But my concerns weren't the only ones that needed to be addressed.

So I sighed with relief when Spock nodded. "It is an appropriate solution. One that solves my difficulty while still giving you the chance to foster relationships that may be more appropriate for you."

But when he looked in my eyes, the vulnerability was back. The haunted look transformed his face into something I might see in my nightmares.

A minute later, it was gone. Not a trace of it remained in his passive look.

Still, the memory of his expression shook me. Was I doing the right thing here? Did he need more? Was I really the only one who could give him this, or did I need to find someone more appropriate for *him*?

But as I watched him, I knew all of that was irrelevant now. He was getting worse. It was time to stop discussing solutions and start putting them in action.

He had turned very pale as we had talked. And he was no longer trembling. He was now violently shaking. I hadn't noticed earlier because I had been lost in my worries.

I wanted to ask if all of that was from the hormones going through him. But I knew better. I could see what was causing his shaking by the way he held himself. He had his arms wrapped around his middle and he was leaning back into the couch.

He was trying to keep it all inside of him, like the good Vulcan that he was. He was trying to control all the feelings welling up within him.

And it wasn't working anymore.

So, still kneeling in front of him, I reached out to touch his knee. It was an unobtrusive touch. One that said that I was here for him and would let him do whatever he needed to.

I didn't do anything more. I didn't want to startle him.

But I found seconds later that he had no such qualms.

Because the moment I looked into his eyes, he reached towards me with a clawed hand and tried to rip my face off.

end part 9


	10. Chapter 10

Of course, violence was what I was expecting when he started reaching toward me. But it wasn't what I got.

His fingertips actually settled gently on my cheek in an odd and slightly awkward pattern. It wasn't a caress, but it didn't feel threatening either. What was he doing?

His intentions became clear as I watched him close his eyes. All of a sudden, I felt another presence fill my mind. Like an arrow, that presence headed straight for the most sensitive parts of me. My secrets, my pains, things I didn't even want to admit to myself were hidden in the area that Spock focused on.

But he didn't dig through all those secrets, like most humans would. In fact, he seemed to be pushing them aside, as if he was looking for something. Something that he'd recognize. Something that belonged to him?

An instinct told me that was exactly what he was searching for. But what could possibly be hidden in my mind that was his? Suddenly afraid, I tried to resist. But he just pushed my consciousness aside and kept on digging.

After a few moments, the commotion stopped. He must have found what he was looking for.

That was when Spock began to let me see what was going on in my head. His presence began to take on a shape. A very attractive shape. But all was not well. He was pale and dishelved. Not at all the calm, collected, mysterious being who brought me to this hotel for two weeks of mindblowing pleasure.

His appearance reminded me why I was doing this. He needed what only I could give him. Slowly, I began to calm down.

When I looked at him closely, he seemed to be holding something. There was some type of thin cable coiled around his hand. Was that a fishing line?

It had to be something more than that. He seemed to be holding it protectively, as if it was the key to his recovery.

'It is,' Spock whispered into my mind. 'That 'fishing line' is the link between us.'

'It's so small.' I commented as he carefully uncoiled the line. I noticed that one end was attached to my side. But I couldn't see the other end. I wondered if it was attached to his hand.

His hand looked very strong. As if he could use the link as a leash to drag me around. In fact, all of him looked strong, despite his pale appearance. For someone who was under a great amount of strain, he was holding himself together rather well.

Of course, he had an explanation for that. 'Touching your mind eases the symptoms for a time.'

So we had some time to get our bearings (or for *me* to get them) before his symptoms forced us onto the next step. But by the look of him, we didn't have long. Even though he projected an aura of calm, I could see that it was some kind of mask. Around the edges of it, I saw what was really going on with him. He was haggard, nervous and ready to burst from the changes the hormones wrought. So I figured I'd better ask all my questions before he was too far gone to answer them. I started with, 'What do we do now?'

'I must strengthen the link.' I could hear a hesitation in his voice, as if this was something he didn't want to do. But why? Wasn't this what he needed?

But I knew I shouldn't be arguing with him now. I needed to make sure I got the information I needed to get us through this ordeal. 'So how do we do that?'

'I must go further into your mind. I need to make sure the link is securely planted within you.' The hesitation now became outright nervousness.

'What's the problem with that?' His attack of nerves seemed to imply that he was worried about my reaction. But he was already invading my mind. How could it get worse?

'You need to allow me to see all of your memories, because the link spreads itself out among them. Resistance will injure the link. I realize that, as with all beings, you have events stored in your memories that you may not wish to see. I do not wish to intrude, but the nature of this situation will insure that I will.' He assumed a submissive position in front of me. I felt him draw away from my mind, and his image became shadowy, like a ghost.

Although I'm sure his action was meant to reassure me, it ended up frustrating me. 'Damnit, Spock, you need this. Get back here.' I grabbed at the ghost and pulled it toward me, in a quick, hard jerk.

That jerk propelled him back into my mind. All of a sudden, I had two sets of thoughts within me and they seemed to overlap in a way that made them difficult to separate. Yet they were at odds with each other. But within seconds, the intuitive, impulsive set was trying to figure out how to coax the logical, methodical to finish what it started.

I knew how to seduce plenty of humans. Eager women, shy women, macho men, men with attitude problems. I knew how to get them to do exactly what I wanted. But I had no clue how to out logic a Vulcan. So I just hugged him with my mind and hoped he could sense my sincere intentions.

His reaction was so intense that I gasped.

He flowed into my memories like lightning. Lightning that shocked my whole mind and body. I tingled all over like I did when he touched me on Sartec.

My body responded in the physical world by trying to pull away. But before I could break our connection, Spock grabbed the back of my head and shoved it toward his fingers.

"Ow!" I yelled in pain as those fingers, and nails, dug into my cheek.

Remembering that I was more delicate than a Vulcan, Spock tried to soothe me...by petting my mind. At least that's what it felt like. A slow, stroking caress.

It took away the pain and suffused me with warmth.

Fascinating. How could I get him to do that again?

'Ask.' Spock whispered as he did it again.

I shuddered softly and let out a small moan. God, that felt like a slowly released orgasm. But I felt it everywhere. Inside and out. It was wonderful.

I heard Spock sigh with relief when it was over. As if he had been afraid I'd leave him, but his fear had dissipated with my pleasure.

'I may be bruised, but I'm not paralyzed. You controlled yourself well,' I told him, realizing that he expected me to resist all of this. But I had offered to help him. I knew he needed it. How could I not give it?

And if the rest felt this pleasurable, I was all for it.

'I must tell you that I will know much more about you at the end of this. I will know most of those secret parts of you that you insist on keeping hidden,' Spock admitted hesitantly.

'Will I know your secrets as well?'

Spock's presence nodded from its position wrapped in the fog that the orgasm seemed to create around him. As if part of me was trying to absorb him. And why wouldn't it? He just gave me more pleasure I had gotten from any sexual encounter.

And now I would know how he did it.

Good. We would make a fair trade. So I stopped worrying. 'Then go ahead and do what you need to. At least I won't be the only one exposed.'

Then, the tingling that had stayed within me, even after release, turned to pain. I could feel him prodding the memories I hid away from the others. My love-hate feelings about Gary. The times when I wished I wasn't captain. My fears about not being competent. My exploits at the Academy, the ones I didn't dare reveals to the impressional ensigns.

The memories seemed to appear in reverse chronological order. And he kept going further back. All the way to Tarsus IV. When I had sold my body to keep myself, and the kids with me, alive.

I braced myself for the feelings of disgust, self-loathing and emotional pain that always came with remembering that month.

But I couldn't have prepared for Spock's gasp of horror.

A moment later, he pulled back. He tried leave my mind a second time.

Instantly, I felt overwhelming remorse. I should have known I wasn't good enough. I was damaged good. I would corrupt him...

'No. Stop!' Spock yelled as he rushed back into my mind and tried to halt the stream of thoughts within me. 'I simply did not want to agitate you by examining the memory near your presence. I was attempting to give you some privacy while I processed it. I had hoped by doing so, I would stop your negative feelings. But because I have limited experience in aiding humans with emotions, I erred by moving too quickly. I did not expect you to interpret my actions as rejection.'

I sighed and shook my head. 'Those events left their marks on me. It's not your fault. I overreact to almost everything when I remember them. I'm sorry. Go ahead and finish what you were doing.'

Spock was quiet and still for a few minutes as he examined the block of memories, then he said, 'I believe that experience is what destroyed your trust in your romantic partners. Your revelation about Mr. Mitchell simply reinforced it.'

'Probably. I haven't really thought about what that time did to me.' But now that he brought it up, there definitely was a pattern. Carol never did anything wrong, but I ran away from her anyway. Then there was Janice, Robert, Eva, and Paul. And they were all good people. Well, I wasn't sure about Janice Lester. There was something just *off* about her...

But Spock interrupted me before I could figure out what it was. 'This would explain the transitory nature of most of your encounters. You did begin your sexual history with a trusting relationship, so you assumed that no relationship is trustworthy.'

He was right. I didn't trust any of my partners. Not even Gary. I had known, deep within me, that Gary was bound to screw up somewhere. And he did, in spades.

Before I could dwell on that, Spock continued. 'I know your bias will make it difficult for you to believe me, but I will make a vow to you. I pledge to you that I will not give you reason to doubt or mistrust me. I will act per our agreement, and I will always be available if you need me at another time.' He bowed his head in front of me. 'I can provide you the security you lack in your romantic encounters. But I will not be insulted if you never ask me to do so.'

I didn't want to think about my problems, so I tried to push his offer away. I didn't need help. He did. 'Let's just get on with it.'

Spock nodded agreeably, then tightened his grip on my mind-it actually felt like he had a hand tightly wrapped around my arm-and he shot a burst of fire through me.

The fire of arousal.

Arousal like I had never felt before. It burned. It consumed-everything.

I burned inside and out. I needed him. The desire was so strong I could think of nothing else.

Vaguely, I heard clothes ripping. I felt hot hands grip at me and bruise. But I didn't care. I had only one goal now-to be closer to Spock.

So I returned everything he gave me. Every caress, every bruise. Then, finally, I tasted his skin on my tongue.

And I felt him bury himself within me. That was all it took for my mind and body to overload.

Orgasm after orgasm ripped throught me that night. Some were caused by his touch. Some were caused by his thrusts. But the most powerful ones were caused by his mind.

Then, finally, as the noonday sun shone on my face, I collapsed.

When I woke from the deep sleep all that activity had driven me to, the sun was setting. It was evening. We had spent a Risan day-5 hours longer than an Earth day-having sex like two animals in heat.

No wonder Vulcans were horrified by their mating cycle. It completely stripped away the trappings of civilization that they had worked so hard to build inside themselves.

I didn't get away unscathed either. I was tired, sore...and rather impressed. Spock had finally given me a full 29 hours that I hadn't spent dwelling on my fate, and the experience had left me feeling oddly cleansed.

I looked across the bed to my companion. He was still sleeping. But he now looked healthier, calmer. His skin was finally the pale olive green that was the sign of a healthy Vulcan. Good.

My shifting was enough to wake him up, and to wake up the hunger inside him. There was still fire in the gaze that met mine, so I moved over to him and gave him a deep kiss.

That started the process over again. Soon, we were again drowning in fire.

But this time, something changed. I felt a barrier in my mind. Or was it a box? Either way, I instinctively knew what it was. It was the container for the secrets Spock wouldn't let me access.

Hell, we were all entitled to our privacy.

But it caused a wellspring of questions to bubble up within me.

Why wasn't it there before? Why did he feel the need to struggle to build it now? Why was he expending energy hiding from me when his body demanded that he give it all to mating?

end part 10


	11. Chapter 11

I didn't find out what was in that mental box while we were on Risa.

He would have given me an explanation. I already knew enough about him to figure that out. But I chose not to ask. I had a feeling it would disrupt the rest of our stay together. If whatever was in that box was important enough to hide from the person who saved your life, it was probably also something that would upset me. So I didn't say anything about it. In fact, I avoided the part of our connection that housed it.

Instead of letting my mind speculating on the box's contents, I concentrated on helping Spock get well. We had sex, we slept, in endless cycles. And finally, when his hormones stopped pumping through him in a flood, we went out and explored the beach and the town.

But we were suddenly rather awkward with each other. We both were afraid to explore the changes the experience made within us.

It wasn't his fault. He made it clear that he would freely discuss what had happened. But I rejected his offer. I didn't even give him time to enjoy his recovery before I started demanding that he put some space between us.

Spock came out of his hormone-induced insanity four days after we started 'curing' it.

The cycle stopped so suddenly that it made me think it was controlled by some kind of switch inside him. I went to sleep exhausted. He had found a way to draw four orgasms out of me in what seemed like less than an hour. And he still demanded more until I begged for mercy.

I woke up on the fifth day to the smell of bacon, eggs, and coffee. After four days of quick bites or no breakfast at all, it was a welcome change.

Still trying to puzzle out this dramatic change in my companion, I turned over. Not seeing Spock immediately, I shifted so I could see the small table in the corner, where we chose to eat most of our meals. He was standing in front of the table, holding my breakfast in his hands. By the smell, he had just got it out of the replicator a few feet away.

As soon as I saw his form, he turned toward me. He must have felt me watching him. "I am gratified that you are awake. I was not certain if I had exhausted you so severely that you would require medical attention." His voice was soft and cautious. I didn't need to look at our connection to figure out that he was afraid of upsetting me.

Why? As far as I knew, I hadn't done anything that would make him think I was upset at him.

So I, too, responded cautiously. I didn't want to make matters worse accidentally.

"No, a first aid kit should take care of any damage you've done," I whispered. Not only did I not want to upset our apple cart, but I still felt hoarse after the yelling I had done the night before. Even out of control, Spock was an expert at giving me pleasure. He had truly earned his second name.

That made me smile. I never thought I'd ever be in a situation where anyone learned a skill to impress me. But this being did an excellent job of it, as he had with everything he had tried in his youth.

So I was surprised to feel a sigh of relief whoosh over to my side of our connection. I guessed he hadn't been too sure of his skills in this case. With good reason. Learning how to have good sex wasn't like learning astrophysics. It required understanding responses that Vulcans usually repressed.

The aftermath of sex was often more confusing than the act itself. And my Vulcan was obviously confused. I could see Spock's intense concentration on me as he reached over to the wall to remove the first aid kit and bring it to my side. "Would you like me to treat your wounds?"

I could feel his concern. I could hear him count off the the lacerations he remembered seeing on my skin, their location, and their severity. But my physical needs were less important than the need to get my head together...*my* head, without his interference.

It was obvious by the look on his face that he could tell that I needed space. After watching me sit up and pick up the kit, he turned around and started watching the newsfeeds on the monitor on the wall.

He did it for my benefit. It didn't take a genius to figure that out. He was watching the entertainment newsfeed about some vapid blonde's latest exploits.

So I opened the first aid kit and turned on the skin regenerator. As I took care of the wounds I could see, I thought about my objections to this new situation we found ourselves in.

My difficulty came down to one fact: I wasn't alone in my own head. I didn't like that. There was no telling what my new companion thought of the whirling thoughts. But in any other relationship I could keep whatever was in my head to myself. I had no choice here.

Luckily, Spock didn't take advantage of my vulnerable state. I could tell that he wasn't listening to my thoughts. Because he had put up some kind of transparent barrier up between us. But coluldn't he take it down as easily as he put it up?

"I am assuming you are contemplating the result of the past few days," Spock said without turning. Although he had stopped watching the newsfeed, he still faced away from me, as if to give me at least the illusion of privacy. "Yes, the bond is permanent. I attempted to keep our connection weak. I wanted to give you as much freedom as possible. But I was unable to maintain control, and it became stronger than I anticipated.

"To compensate for this, I will be vigilant. I will not enter your mind without your invitation. I will keep a barrier between us like the one you can see within us now. If you wish to speak to me within our minds, you simply need to tap on the barrier."

Damn, I felt like scum as I listened to him list the allowances he had made for me. He had known my problem before I had. He worked it out even before I woke up. In order to protect me. And to give me something I could trust.

It was about trust, wasn't it? I could *feel* that, even through the barrier. He wanted to show me how to trust by giving me something I could rely on. Something that was there for *my* safety, *my* comfort.

In essence, he was providing for me. Strangely, that idea gave me a glimmer of the sense of security I had lost when I was 13. When I had to provide for others. When I had to sacrifice.

Wait, sacrifice? Was he making one? Suddenly, I started to worry. "Will you be okay if you can't get to my mind? I mean, isn't that what the bond is for? To help stabilize you?"

"Stabilization is no longer necessary," Spock said softly. "You have given me what I needed, and it will be some years before my pon farr will return."

I stared at his back for a minute, then turned around to finish healing my wounds. "Then thank you."

After a moment of silence, I heard Spock approach me. He laid a warm hand on my shoulder. "Allow me to heal your back."

I nodded and handed him the kit. I sighed with relief as he passed the regenerator over my back. But when he asked, "Do you wish me to ask me any questions about our connection?" I shook my head.

I couldn't handle that at the moment. I didn't want to be reminded that I was essentially married...and that I was going to intentionally cheat on my husband, with his knowledge and approval.

It made me feel guilty. It didn't matter that he approved. He was entitled to someone who could be loyal to him. But, unfortunately, he was stuck with me.

The thought of what I could do to him twisted my stomach. I didn't want to act like Gary. I didn't want him to worry about who I was with all the time. But I didn't see a choice. I wasn't ready to trust him.

So he was allowing me to find someone I could. To not take advantage of that might make the situation worse.

Or would it?

Confused by my own thoughts, I pulled away as soon as he was finished with the regenerator. Then I stood up and walked to the other side of the room.

I couldn't look at him. I couldn't speak. I couldn't tell him that this new reality was more than I could handle.

All I knew was that I didn't want him in my mind. I didn't want a second party making me question my own thoughts.

Yes, it was a two-way street between us. He had played fair when he connected us together. I wasn't the only one whose secrets were revealed.

I had learned quite a few of his secrets. I knew that his mother, Lady Amanda, was worried sick about him. I knew he loved-of all things-rutabagas in garlic. I knew he was intrigued that I was best friends with the doctor who had cared for him in his youth.

But that wasn't enough of an exchange. He had taken something fundamental from me. He had fractured my sense of self.

But I couldn't blame him for it. He had had no choice.

I sighed and turned back to Spock to see a devastated look flicker across his face. Then it was gone. But I knew I had hurt him by rejecting him like this, even when he made all those concessions for me.

So I at least made an attempt to shore up what was left of the regard between us. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "This..." I waved at my head. "Is so new to me..and so different than anything I had ever known before."

Spock nodded slowly. "That is why I created the barrier. It will allow you to control the connection. I will maintain it unless *you* request it be removed."

"And what if I only want to use the connection at certain times? Like when we need to check up on each other?" I raised my eyebrow.

"I will do as you request. I promise you will have control in all except two instances."

"And those are?" I asked skeptically.

"My next pon farr, at which time I will be unable to control the barrier, and in the instant that your life will be threatened. My mind will reach out in that instant to lend strength to you.

"I realize danger is inevitable, as you are the captain of Starfleet's flagship. But, as a Vulcan, I am unable to fully control my instinct to protect my mate."

"Your mate..." I sighed, worried about the implications of that term. In essence, it was just another word for husband. I didn't want a husband. In fact, I needed to be free, to deal with the aftermath of my last disastrous relationship.

But both of us were stuck in this one.

So I nodded. "Just try not to get in the way." I said it as kindly as I could, but even to my ears, the words sounded petulant.

He appeared not to notice. "I will endeavor not to. But if you are in need of advice, I will provide it."

"Thanks." What else could I say? That I didn't really trust his advice? I should. He was a genius and a Starfleet expert. But he also was the being that I was now forced to serve every couple of years...

All of a sudden, the look on Spock's face took on a horrified cast. I looked in my head at the barrier. There was a small gap in it.

I didn't mind the gap. He was still trying to get a handle on me and probably needed access to my thoughts while he decided what was best for us.

But it had created a problem. He had heard my thought a moment ago and realized what I was referring to, what memory this new situation had stirred in me.

But how could I not think of that? How could I not see the similarities to my stay on Tarsus IV?

Our positions had reversed. Now I was the prostitute, here for his needs. All that was left to figure out was when my services would be required and what fee I could get for them.

Because I certainly wasn't going to debase myself for nothing.

end part 11


	12. Chapter 12

It was took me only a moment to realize that Spock heard that thought. Because before the thought was finished, he had retreated to the other side of the room with a crestfallen look on his face.

That was the turning point for him. My state of mind him reevaluate what he was doing here.

He decided that I had had enough of helping him. It was his turn to help me...recover from the stress he had brought upon me.

"I will talk to a healer as soon as I return to Vulcan," he whispered urgently, trying to calm me. His attempt worked, because he gave me the one thing I thought I needed: a way out. "I will have the link broken and will continue my search for another mate. For it is apparent that forcing you to stay with me will be detrimental."

He took a deep breath, as if steeling himself to do something he didn't want to. "If you believe you are acting as you did on Tarsus IV for my sake, you will suffer. Instead of becoming my partner in life, you will seek ways to avoid me because you see me as a threat. But because of the bond, there will be times you will not be allowed to stay away. It will push you toward me whether you prefer it or not."

He stiffened as he tried to convince himself of his next words. "I cannot allow you to be harmed by my needs. If I cannot protect you as my mate, I will protect you by setting you free."

I sighed. What he said was true. I would do exactly what he described, because I knew no other way to handle my anxieties. The bond was just created, and I was already looking on him as if he was one of the guards I laid over a table for. If that was the way I was going to act every time he wanted me close, we were doomed.

So I couldn't say no to his suggestion, now that his biology no longer had a hold on him. But I still wanted to do one last thing to protect him.

I wasn't going to let my departure from his head put him in danger again. So I had a condition. "You're right. You probably would be better with someone who isn't...damaged goods. Someone who can be that partner for you. But I won't let you break the bond until you find that person."

Spock looked up from contemplating his hands with an increduous expression. "You speak of yourself as if you are less than complete." His tone suggested that he believed the exact opposite.

But he hadn't been in my shoes when the universe came crashing in on me. He didn't feel my soul tear into shreds every time I sacrificed myself for the sake of innocents.

"I am," I said simply, too tired to make him understand. "I never felt the same after Tarsus IV. And some of the effects didn't show up until years later. It took me a few years of gathering my courage after my 16th birthday until I could have sex. And you could see how well I handle relationships. Kodos crushed the loving person in me..."

My companion shook his head. "That being within is not gone. He is merely injured. You have not had the opportunity to heal those mental wounds."

I wish he was right, but I knew differently. It all came down to one fact. "I don't know how."

This didn't seem to change Spock's opinion of my state of being. "Nor do I believe you are ready to do so at this time. You are still contemplating your failed relationship with Mr. Mitchell. The one who aids you in your recovery will need time and your total trust to be successful. I have neither."

I knew what he was saying. That I felt broken because my psyche had just taken a hard blow. But he was wrong. I had felt broken all my life. The only difference with that blow was that the one doing the breaking had been someone I actually cared about.

But for a moment, I wanted that cure Spock suggested. Because my injuries had now caused me to hurt another being. I sighed remorsefully as I stared at my companion.

Responding to my heavy gaze, he stood up and came over to me, bowing submissively. "I believe it is best for me to leave at this time. You need rest and time to recover from the strain I put on you."

I looked at him ambivalently. Part of me wanted him to leave. Because of him, I had a second presence in my mind to contend with. Because of all that had happened in the last few days, I couldn't even get a handle on my own mind, let alone his.

But the bond wouldn't let me alone to sort it all out. I could hear that presence at the back of my thoughts. I could feel his worry, his remorse.

How could I not respond to that? No matter how annoying the bond was, I knew he didn't mean to hurt me with it. I reached out and caressed his cheek. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you really need."

Surpringly, Spock didn't say anything to that. He just watched my eyes for a few minutes before stepping back and leaving me to my thoughts.

As I watched him, he began to pack his things. Calmly, methodically, he gathered all the supplies that he had used to help bring me pleasure. He packed the silky clothing I had so admired him in, the few times he was dressed.

Watching him made me feel guilty. He had come for my help but that help had only made matters worse for him. But I knew his leaving was best for both of us. I needed time to think. Spock needed time to find someone to take my place. Neither of us could do those things comfortably while around the other.

So I let him come over and tell me that the room was paid for for the rest of my stay. I let him give me a credit chip to pay for incidental expenses, even though I didn't want to take his money. (I could see on his face that he would consider it an insult if I refused. I fugured I could pay him back later.)

When everything was taken care of to his satisfaction-his things packed and my needs seen to-Spock took his bags to the door and put them down so he could grab his keycard from his tunhic pocket and put it on the table for my use. But he made the mistake of turning his head toward me, letting me see his face. I couldn't let him leave with that morose look dominating his handsome features.

Because it made me feel like I had kicked him when he was down. I hadn't wanted to hurt him. But I was just too damaged to be what he needed.

So I came over to him slowly and stood in front of him quietly. When he was curious enough to raise an eyebrow, I kissed him softly. My lips caressed his as I tried to soothe the wounds I had accidentally inflicted on his psyche with my resistance.

"Good luck," I whispered as I pulled back gently. "I hope you find who you're looking for."

I could see his emotions in his eyes. That was practically a sacriledge for a Vulcan. But he risked it so his mate would know that he was not alone in his struggles. His eyes made it clear that I wasn't the only one who was trying to figure out how to make sure our situation didn't become more painful.

But even though he didn't suppress it, he handled his confusion with grace. "And to you, I wish the best. And I thank you for what you have given me." Spock bowed before me solemnly.

After that, there was nothing more to say. So I reluctantly let him go. When the door closed, the click of the two sides tapping together sounded like a slam to my emotionally tainted senses.

When I could finally gather my wits, I walked back to the couch where we had sex numerous times. After a deep sigh, I sat down heavily and stared into space as I tried to figure out what to do now. But it was no good. Suddenly, it felt as if my mind wasn't working.

So I decided to not do anything at the moment. I laid down right there on the couch, figuring a nap would help straighten out my thoughts. But as soon as I did, I knew it was a mistake. I could smell him in the cushions. I could feel the lingering warmth from where he had sat.

Those assaults on my senses made my heart clench in my chest.

I couldn't help but ask the questions haunting the back of my mind. What had I done? Why couldn't I give him what he needed? Why couldn't I leave my past behind me?

But my body was exhausted. I might not be able to find answers at the moment, but at least I could try to rest so that I was prepared when the answers came my way. So I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the lingering signs of Spock's presence.

It was a mixed blessing. Because sometime during my nap I began to dream about Tarsus IV. I was once again leaning over that dirty table, letting Kodos' guards rape me so I could get a loaf of bread and some apples for myself and the fifteen kids under my care. I was once again reminding myself that it was for the best.

I didn't want any of the others to have to do this. Only one of them was older than me. Renaud, at 16. But he was our guard. I was the leader.

And the rest were all under 10. There was no way I'd let any of them take my place.

The memories were just as vivid as they always were. The pain was just as gut-wrenching. But there was one difference with this dream. There was one thing that made me realize that pushing aside the last couple days was going to be harder than I thought.

I woke up screaming for Spock to save me.

end part 12


	13. Chapter 13

I tried to relax in that luxurious hotel room, but it was an impossible task. My memories of the events that took place there made that room less than restful.

As I stared at the furnishings that I'd never be able to afford, I thought about Spock. I couldn't stop myself from remembering his smell, his handsome body, or the pleasure he could drive me to.

As I slept in that almost-too-comfortable bed, I dreamt about him. I had erotic dreams and nightmares about him. Hell, I even dreamed he was on the bridge of my ship, taking orders from me.

After those dreams, I ended up thinking about my future and how lonely I would be in it. Those thoughts always made the back of my mind twinge and the barrier separating me and Spock quiver. Those signs told me that he was still listening in on me and was feeling guilty.

Every time he did that, I sent soothing nonsense his way. It wasn't totally his fault that I was in this predicament. I had some responsibility too. I was the one who wanted to marry my first officer, a man who I knew couldn't keep it in his pants. I had ignored that fact because I thought he would change for me, his best friend.

Yes, I had been a fool.

So after a few days of not getting anything done (and not even getting any rest), I decided it was time to go back to the ship. Staying in that hotel room contemplating my life wasn't doing me any good. In fact, it was making me depressed.

Time to get back to work. Even though the ship wasn't going anywhere, I still had a mountain of paperwork I needed to work through. Now was a good time to do it. It would keep my mind off the mess I was in.

When I walked through the docking door, the Fleet's repair crew was just finishing updating the turbolifts and was moving onto the Jefferies tubes. I stepped around them carefully even though they assured me that I wouldn't be in their way as long as I stayed off the bridge for another two days.

Although I knew my ship well enough to lend a hand in their endeavors, I didn't think I would actually be of much help. All through my three days of rest, I kept hearing that logical voice in the back of my mind. It distracted me, and it often had me staring into space.

But in an odd way, it was also comforting.

It was like he was a shadow watching over me. In fact, I caught him spying on my thoughts a few times. But most of the things he was spying on were so mundane that I had to laugh.

'Why are you checking out my lunch?' I asked him the day after I returned to the ship. I noticed his presence grow strong within my mind as I went down to the mess hall to see what the repair crew cook had prepared. It was almost as if he was analyzing my choices. That reminded me of Bones and his yelling about my diet. I chuckled to myself as I walked back to my cabin with my food and waited for Spock to answer.

'I wished to find proof that you are caring for yourself adequately,' the Vulcan sent back as I sat down at my desk. He sounded a little annoyed. But why? He was the one invading *my* privacy.

Did I step into a cultural problem? Did Vulcans always check their mates' menus? Or was it my comparison between him and McCoy? I had noticed over the past few days that the argumentative style Bones had used with Spock after his rescue had translated into an automatic bristling by the Vulcan every time the doctor was mentioned.

The first couple times, it had me laughing. But not now.

'Don't worry. I'm not going to starve myself before we find you another partner,' I sent back in a huff. As captain, I already had a full contingent of babysitters. Bones, Rand, and the admiral of the month (the one who thought he/she had the means to make me follow orders to the letter *this* time). I didn't need another one.

'You do not take care of yourself adequately,' Spock countered. 'You have not heeded any of the recommendations that Dr. McCoy had given you.'

I glanced at the list on the PADD next to my lunch tray. Before I had left for shore leave, Bones had given me a list of things to do to stave off exhaustion. Because Gary had backed me into a corner even before we came to Risa, I had been on the border of needing medical attention. So Bones had made the list assuming that I would take care of them with Gary, or after the blowup, with Sanosh.

Spock ticked off the list, making me squirm like a six year old at a formal meeting. 'You have not slept more than five hours a night since I left you. You have not had one salad, nor, oddly, the one steak that McCoy asked you to eat to increase your iron intake. Since I know of your fondness for red meat, this is quite illogical.

'You have not gone to the recreation room to exercise. Your walks around the ship have been curtailed due to the repairs. So your muscles have ached from lack of use.

'Lastly, you have not taken the greatest on McCoy's advisements: to forget about work until the repairs are finished. I realize that captaining a ship is a great responsibility. But if you do not rest, you will not be able to command effectively.'

I sighed as I threw the PADD onto my bed to keep that list from taunting me. 'You make me sound like I need a keeper.'

'Such a person would aid your compliance with the doctor's recommendations.' I could hear a hint of humor behind the words.

Although I had a feeling he was trying to get me to laugh with him, his comment just sparked my temper. So I replied without thinking. 'I assume you'd like to be the one watching over me? You'd just be one more person treating me like I don't know anything about taking care of myself!'

That startled him. He didn't expect my anger. I could feel him flounder as he looked for a way to calm me.

'T'hy'la...' The unfamiliar word rolled into my mind like a caress. And strangely enough, it soothed me even though I had no idea what it meant.

But oddly, when I looked in his mind for a definition, I ran smack into the secret box in which he kept things he didn't want me to know. That brought my anger right back, and I left his mind with another huff.

Quickly, Spock apologized, although he didn't explain why he hid the word. He simply offered a definition. 'It means brother or friend.'

I could hear hesitation in his message, as if he were hiding something. But at the moment, I didn't have the patience to find out what it was. I just made my own apology for the outburst and thanked him for his kind word. Then to mollify both him and Bones, I picked up my antique copy of Treasure Island and started to read it.

Not having actually read the story since I was 12 (I found the book at an antique store on Thestus III a year ago, but hadn't actually opened it until now.), I actually found myself rather engrossed. I ended up chuckling at young Jim's exploits, then found myself wanting to caution him as he made his way through his adventures with Long John Silver. But mostly I found myself empathizing with the boy's sense of wonder and discovery.

At those points, the bond hummed with approval.

I couldn't really fault Spock for liking my attention to the story. Because as I read it, I began to feel better. About myself, about what had happened with Gary. Even about what had happened with Spock.

Because the book had helped me regain my usual perspective, which I had lost when Gary betrayed me.

But now, I could see the advantages of that event. When I had left Gary, I had met Spock. By being with Spock, I had learned about another species. I had discovered a person who I could connect with, and in some way, I had helped him.

That had been why I joined Starfleet in the first place. To discover new places and people. And to help, where and when I was needed.

I sighed as I realized how right Bones and Spock had been to nag me into getting some rest.

Spock had been right when he had told me that my performance at my work was contingent on me being well rested and happy. Because when I was tired, it was very easy to see others through a lense that made them look dull instead of the vibrant people they really were. And everyone was vibrant, in their own way.

I thanked Spock for reminding me.

Although Vulcans aren't actually know for modesty, the one connected to me showed quite a bit of the trait in his reply. 'I merely sped up your recovery slightly. I have the utmost faith that Dr. McCoy would have eventually nagged you so severely that you would have rested simply to avoid him.'

That had me laughing so hard and long that I had tears in my eyes when it ended. That, too, I needed.

It was nice having someone who knew me that well.

Gary had never bothered to really get to know me, other than on the surface. And I had never really let anyone else that close to me. Not my other significant others. Not my friends.

Because of Spock, I now resolved to start changing that. Bones had waited long enough at second fiddle. He was a good man. He wanted to be my friend. It was time I allowed it. I was sure we would both benefit from it.

Spock, too, had become a friend in a way. But with him, I had no choice. He knew me because he was in my mind. Somehow, it was comforting to know I had no way to resist him. But I knew that comfort couldn't last. He would leave my mind as soon as he found someone to take my place.

Suddenly, I found that thought rather disturbing.

I sighed. This was all very confusing. I decided that I should take walk down to the observation deck to let my subconscious absorb what it could of the events of the last week or so.

So I headed out my door with Spock keeping watch over me from the back of my mind.

There were repair crews in the hallways. I passed them with waves and smiles. I also chatted with some who I met in past repairs. So my progress to the observation deck was slow. But it was well worth it.

The repair crews were another distraction from my troubles. And they provided me with some much-needed self-esteem. Because they treated me as if I was the intelligent, kind person so many people believed I was.

This buoyed my spirits. And sent me into more thoughts of how I was going to improve my life.

In addition to being a better friend to Bones, I was going to make more of an effort to know the 430 souls whom I commanded. I was going to make sure Spock found someone suyitable to be his mate, then I was going to lecture this person about the great being they were getting by bonding to him.

All of this was on my mind as I walked onto the observation deck and headed to the big picture window to stare out at the stars. And it so preoccupied me that I almost didn't hear the cry of alarm in my head seconds before I fell unconscious.

end part 13


	14. Chapter 14

I woke up with a start to find Spock staring down at me.

A second later, my brain activated and started firing questions. What the hell just happened? Was I back on Risa? Did Spock kidnap me?

Suddenly, despite what we had been through together, I wasn't sure I trusted the being in front of me.

But after a quick look around, I could see that I was still on the observation deck.

So that lead me to more questions: Why was I lying on the ground? Had Spock attacked me?

"I did not, Captain. I would never contemplate such an action. It would violate the respect I have for you, in addition to being against my world's edicts," the Vulcan said softly. Then he turned slightly so I could see the form behind him.

The person I saw was tied to the pole in the center of the room. He seemed familiar, but since my head was feeling rather fuzzy, all that registered at first was that he had dark sandy hair and was tall. Then I noticed his clothing. He was wearing command gold. Enterprise command gold.

And when he turned his head so that I could see his face...

"Gary!" I choked out.

When he saw that I was awake, my former lover just growled at me with hatred glowing in his eyes.

That startled the hell out of me. I had never before seen him look like he wanted to kill me.

'I believe he was indeed trying to achieve your death,' Spock sent through our connection. 'Or, at the very least, he wanted to cause you pain.'

I gave Spock a skeptical look, then gasped as he began to recount what he had seen and felt when he looked through my eyes as I entered the observation deck.

*Spock's message through the bond:*

The second you stepped into the room, I saw Mr. Mitchell through your eyes.

I am not certain that you recognized him in the darkness of the room. However, your eyes registered the scar on his neck that had been highlighted on a newscast after your last first contact mission, so I was quickly able to discern his identity.

Humans have a slightly slower reaction time than Vulcans, and have trouble processing under emotional strain. That, I am certain, is the reason you could not save yourself. I believe you were shocked to find anyone in the room, and in that state, were unable to identify him immediately. You also did not process the hypodermic he held pointed at your neck.

As I was not there and have the ability to repress my emotions, I was able to see it more objectively.

Yes, I did try to warn you, but I could not do so quickly enough. Mr. Mitchell punctured your neck with the hypodermic and you fell to the ground before my warning made it to your mind.

How do I know this? Before you reached the ground, the bond went silent.

As soon as you fell unconscious, I knew it was imperative to attempt to retrieve you from this room. With the limited information your senses had imparted to me, I could not discern what Mitchell had given you, nor what he planned to do with you.

As I knew the ship was mostly empty of staff, and the repair crews were unlikely to find you quickly, I thought it prudent to find my way onto the Enterprise in the most expedient way possible. Therefore, I sent an emergency message to Edan. Although I risked him doing me bodily harm for disturbing his time with your doctor, it was necessary. I needed to get to you, and I suspected you needed McCoy's services.

It was fortuitous that I did not disturb anything that would require time to comport themselves. Dr. McCoy was able to lead me through the ships docking entrance within five minutes of my call.

Through my description of the viewing windows that I saw through your eyes, McCoy was able to discern that we should head immediately for the observation deck. When we arrived here, we found the door locked. I was gratified to see that you had allowed McCoy's medical override to open any door on the ship. Some overly confident captains don't allow their medical staff such easy access, and suffer during emergencies because of it.

I allowed the doctor to enter the room first, as I believed you needed his services most urgently. That was a mistake. I had neglected to take Mr. Mitchell's state of mind into account. He attacked McCoy immediately upon his entrance.

But the doctor yelled out, and I was quickly alerted that he, too, was in danger. When I ran into the room, Mitchell was attempting to choke McCoy by wrapping a cord around his neck.

I immediately went over to them and subdued the Commander with a neck pinch. Yes, I will show you the technique later. For now, understand that it was the quickest way to rescue both of you.

As soon as McCoy was free, he dropped to where you lay and began to examine you. No, he did not bother to check his own neck, but as he had no trouble talking, I assumed he was not severely injured.

He believed your state was of more concern than his own. Mitchell had given you a neural paralyzer, most likely in anticipation of removing you to another location to kill or torture you.

The doctor neutralized the drug as I used the cord Mitchell had brought to restrain you to fasten him to the support pole.

You woke 1.5 minutes after I finished that task.

After Spock finished his tale (the longest I had ever heard out of a Vulcan), I craned my head to see Bones sitting on the floor at my left shoulder. He sighed in relief as I smiled at him in thanks.

"You just about scared me to death. You were lying here passed out and I couldn't find your pulse..." As he spoke, the McCoy stood up and reached out to help me up. I accepted gratefully. The lingering affects of the drug were making me woozy.

As Bones helped me sit on the bench by the window, I looked between him and Spock. "Did you know he was Sanosh?" I asked the doctor.

"No. Edan didn't say a word about it. So I nearly had a heart attack when I heard Spock's voice on Edan's comm. But when he said you had come back here and were in trouble...I didn't think, I just reacted. I trusted him instinctively. Despite the questionable morals of many people in his current profession, I remembered enough about him and his family to know that Amanda would drag him back to Vulcan by a pointed ear if he hurt anyone without good reason..."

At that, Spock flushed olive green and I felt embarrassment filter through the bond. That made me chuckle. Legend said that Vulcans were above such things. I guess that was before a Human became the mother of a Vulcan...

As I finished that thought, I glanced over to see Spock giving me a very...Human...dirty look.

Then I looked over at my former lover, who was glaring at me from his position against the support pole. I sobered up quickly as I understood that my relationship with Spock was infuriating the man who I had wanted to marry. That reaction forced me to ask the question that I had to have an answer for, even though I didn't want to face it. "Why, Gary?"

He looked at me incredulously, as if the answer was obvious. "Because you were stupid! We could have had it all, but you threw it all away because I slipped up once! You knew I didn't mean to hurt you. But Rand was throwing herself at me..."

I rolled my eyes at his blatant lie. "Everyone knows my yeoman is unfailingly polite in her interactions, both public and private. That was why she was assigned to me. It was Starfleet's attempt to teach me some manners. We both know she'd be more likely to mother you than throw herself at you."

Gary didn't miss a beat. "Still, it was only once..."

I interrupted him. "No, it wasn't. It was the last straw after disobeying me, giving me the runaround in the bedroom, and generally making my life miserable." There, I finally admitted that he was more trouble than he was worth. It felt good...but it was an empty feeling, because in admitting that, I pushed Gary away from me.

But then Spock spoke up. "A captain cannot function well with such a distraction. Nor should any being have to deal with such stress. I am surprised that the captain intended to make you a permanent part of his life. For, as your actions have shown, you cannot be trusted. That is most likely why he reprimanded you, even though it meant your removal from the ship and his life."

When I heard his logical defense of my actions, the empty feeling within me filled up. Was it feedback from the bond? Or was it something else? Pleasure? A need fulfilled? I was afraid to even start looking for an answer, because I wasn't sure I could handle the answer I would find.

Gary, on the other hand, didn't worry about the change in our relationship or what it had wrought. He just turned his glare to Spock. "What do you know, green-blood?"

Before I realized it, I began to growl at Gary. No one on my ship was allowed to toss around insults like that. "Treat him with some respect!"

"This is what you replace me with?" Gary spat back at me. "A green-blooded alien computer? Maybe I was right to leave you before your 'respect everyone' attitude rubbed off on me."

Oh, that was it. I was seeing red. I now realized that walking away from this man was the best thing I ever did. But how could I have been so wrong about him for all these years?

"Why exactly did you join Starfleet, Gary?" I started yelling, stalking toward him, ready to punch some sense into him if I had to. "Our mission is to find new worlds and new people. How could I not treat them with respect?"

In my anger at him and myself, the urge to lash out physically became overwhelming. But before I could hit Gary, or the pole beside his head (I wasn't sure which I was aiming for), my arm was held back in a firm but gentle grip.

I turned to see Spock with his hand around my wrist. That, I expected. But I startled when I turned my head to the other side and saw my new best friend, ready to defend me...or shake some sense into me. "He's not worth it, Jim." Bones whispered.

It was time to end all this, I admitted to myself with a sigh. So I backed up to the wall beside the door and hit the button on the intercom. "Security to the Observation Deck," I choked out, then collapsed against the wall.

Almost instantly, my new best friend and my new bondmate converged on me. As I tried to stand, Bones ran another scan over me while Spock supported me and kept me from falling to the ground.

"He's okay," Bones muttered. "He's just tired and hungry." At this, he gave me an angry look. "You were supposed to rest, Jim."

I sighed and nodded. I had tried, but, "Things just got out of hand."

My comment had Bones glaring at Spock, who bowed his head, as if in shame.

That had the doctor bristling. "What did he do to you?"

Before I could get a word out, Spock responded. "He bonded with me."

"What?" Bones' shock nearly pushed him into the wall next to me.

"It was his time. That pon farr thing! He would have died without it!" I interjected before Bones snapped at him again.

"Why didn't you comm me, Spock?" My CMO whirled to face his charge from an earlier time. It was obvious, even through his anger, that he cared about what happened to the being before us.

Spock shook his head. "There was nothing you could have done to help, Doctor. I had to bond with someone to end the cycle."

Bones turned his irritation on me, forcing me to hold up my hands in self-defense. "What else was I supposed to do? I couldn't let him die!"

"I will find a healer to break the bond as soon as I find another appropriate person," Spock offered in an attempt to calm the situation.

Bones scoffed. "And what if you can't? You're a unique being. Your chemistry might require something specific in your bondmate. I don't know what it is about Jim, but he may have something nobody else does."

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," I said in my command tone. Luckily, Bones realized I was now getting angry and he backed down.

But he didn't let the situation go without a parting shot. "I just hope you didn't create a mess you can't handle."

I rolled my eyes, tamping down my own worries. Bones did always have a rather wide pessimistic streak. I knew he was worrying for nothing. He had to be.

A minute later, station security entered the room, along with Giotto, the Enterprise's chief of security.

As soon as he saw Gary, Giotto waved off my protest that he didn't need to take time from his vacation to aid station security in handling a situation that was already under control.

"You needed help, Captain. I wasn't there. I need to make up for that." Even though I tried to protest again, he would say nothing more on the subject.

I sighed. Sometimes I didn't know what I did to inspire the loyalty my crew showed. As I stepped back to let Giotto lead Gary away, I caught Spock's raised eyebrow. I shrugged. "I just treat my crew with the respect they deserve."

"They obviously appreciate your effort," Spock said quietly as we watched the security people leave.

When they were gone, he turned to me. "I will now take my leave of you. I must renew my search, for your welfare."

"And for yours," I added softly. "You need someone you can depend on."

"I have yet to meet a person more trustworthy than yourself," Spock whispered, his hand coming up to smooth that lock of hair that kept falling into my eyes. But he stopped, as if he just realized that he was about to invade my personal space.

"I am your husband until we divorce," I said quietly, taking his hand and holding it loosely between both of mine. "Until you find someone else, I'll be the best one I can."

Spock nodded, and without another word, gently extracted his hand and walked out of the room.

And although I was in the ship that meant the universe to me, that universe suddenly felt empty.

end part 14


	15. Chapter 15

I was actually glad when the last days of shore leave ended. The emotional upheavals my adventures had caused wore me out. Work was actually restful compared to all the soul searching I had done on Risa and in my cabin.

I was finding it hard to stop my introspection. With all the free time I had had due to the repairs, I had ended up dwelling on the events on Risa...and their conclusion.

Then I ended up staring at the shield between me and my bondmate. And probably annoyed Spock by poking at it.

No, I didn't open it. I just put the mental equivalent of palm prints all over it. I tested it. I wanted to know whether he could hear through it, or if I could.

After a few days, I realized that the shield disintegrated a bit when he was asleep. At those points, I could hear his dreams. In fact, that was the only time I could hear him. The rest of the time I was alone in my own head. The shield divided the connection, as he had promised, when he was awake.

But when he was asleep, the dreams were almost enough to drive me mad.

In the Academy xenobiology classes, we were told that Vulcans don't dream. But I wasn't dealing with your typical Vulcan. Spock was half-Human. And when he slept, his Human side seemed to have control.

And they certainly weren't what one would expect if Vulcans did dreams. The images coming from him were so emotionally charged that I wondered where his Vulcan side slept.

The erotic dreams were bad enough.

Unfortunately, they didn't only happen at night. Because Spock was journeying to places that had different time schedules than a Starfleet ship, I found that he would often send me images from his dreams in the middle of a starship day.

This, of course, was sometimes inconvenient. Other times, it was downright embarrassing. Especially during missions or meetings. Like the meeting with Admiral Nogura two weeks after we left Risa.

I guess I should feel lucky that it was only me and Bones in conference room 2 talking to Nogura on the table monitor. If the whole bridge crew had been there, I would have had a lot of explaining to do.

Bones and I were preparing for our next mission. We were asking the admiral about the traditional Akonn greeting, and how exactly it was to be performed. Because the Akonn were double jointed, it was going to be a difficult manuever for me and the rest of the human diplomatic team to perform.

"Make a sincere attempt, and they will consider it sufficient," Nogura assured us. But Bones, who had read up on Akonn diplomativ history, gave me a look that said I had better keep a phaser in my back pocket just in case.

Then, suddenly, my mind was filled with an image of Spock sweeping me up and carrying me to a bed hidden in a cave. This wasn't the first time his dreams had invaded my daytime duties, but it was the first time it interrupted something this important.

So I tried to control my reaction, my very visceral reaction. But it was no use. The memory of Spock's talents had me feeling his touch as the image progressed to kissing and the stripping of clothes.

Within seconds, I was blushing bright red and as hard as a rock. I definitely was glad I was sitting down. Admirals are not very impressed when you give them an eyeful of something best left in the bedroom.

Luckily, I had told Bones about the dreams the week before. Because he realized what was happening and came to my rescue. I was tempted to kiss him when he said, "Jim, I think it's time for your medicine. You're having a flare up of Adultan heat syndrome."

We had just come from Adula, where Bones had been treating an outbreak of the heat syndrome. It was as dangerous as malaria to the native people. But a human with the proper medication could beat it in about a month.

So his explanation was completely plausible. So plausible, apparently, that Bones ran a scanner over me just to make sure I didn't have it.

Nogura, understanding the seriousness of the diagnosis, decided to save the rest of our discussion for the next day.

Bones looked at me quizzically as the comm link with Nogura cut off. "Is there something wrong with you that the scan can't find?"

I shook my head. "It's Spock."

That got the doctor's attention. "Is he okay?"

I put up my hands and gave him my best innocent expression before he accused me of harming his star patient. "Yeah, he's just dreaming."

That satisfied him. Though I paid for my honesty with a smug look that told me Bones knew exactly what Spock had been dreaming about. But a few minutes later, we went back to work with no harm done to anyone.

The nightmares, however, weren't so easy to deal with.

The first of those entered my mind a week after the Akonn mission.

It seemed innocent enough at first. In the dream, Spock was talking to some boys in what appeared to be a Vulcan classroom, in one of the quizzing bowls. They were discussing some abstract engineering problem I couldn't begin to understand. It seemed an amicable enough discussion in Vulcan terms, even though the boys tones sounded a little cold to my Human mind.

But that began to change rather swiftly. With no provocation, the kids started attacking him verbally. Scornful shots at his mother and criticisms of his more human attributes (apparently his feet weren't up to Vulcan standards) seemed to pierce him in an almost physical way.

Then, the attacks *did* become physical. The boys started pummeling him with their fists. Although Spock tried to defend himself, he was having difficulty keeping them at bay. It was bad enough that I could see green blood dripping from his fists. That was when I realized he was a child himself here. I suspected he dreaming of his past. The scene was probably a mixture of truth and half-denied fears, as many of my nightmares were.

Some of those wounds that started erupting on his arms looked awfully familiar. They were in the same shapes as some faded scars I remembered examining while he had slept beside me on Risa.

Damn, I had no idea the vids had been lying *that* much about how Vulcan treated its most famous son.

Although I imagined that in real life, he must have gotten the better of his tormentors (or he wouldn't be as well adjusted as I knew he was), in the dream, they seemed to be wearing him down.

So I put a stop to it. I called to him through the bond.

That caused him to wake up with a start. Then his fear of the kids in the nightmare instantly turned to embarrassment.

'It's okay,' I sent as soon as his feeling came toward me. 'It looked like you needed a hand with that dream.'

'I should be stronger,' he said remorsefully. 'I do not even have as much control over my dreams as you.'

I gasped then, realizing he had seen the nightmare I had had last week of being back on Tarsus IV, then the one of losing Gary to some strange alien force that had made him some kind of god. In that dream, I had had to kill my former fiance before he destroyed all of us.

But Spock would have none of my worry. 'Calm yourself, t'hy'la. You did me no harm. In fact, they aided me in understanding your reluctance to commit yourself to another individual. But even in your most despairing, you find a way to resolve the problems you faced.'

It was true. Even in my dreams, I could usually negotiate with my subconscious so that I woke up vaguely disturbed insted of frightened out of my wits.

After his statement, I found a way to logically convince him that he would have easily done the same if I hadn't woken him up. He would have found a way to beat those kids.

I firmly believed that he had done so in real life, even though he wouldn't give me access to the memories to prove it.

So that dream, too, ended with no harm done.

But then he started having nightmares about his next Pon Farr.

That was when I realized exactly what I had gotten myself into. And what I had done to Spock by not making a full commitment to our newly-formed bond.

It became obvious to me over the next few weeks that Spock was extremely afraid of not finding another partner before his next Pon Farr. Because he kept having the same nightmare over and over again. He dreamt of being surrounded by strangers in a dark room. These beings were pressing in on him, trying to suffocate him. Taking a deep breath, he screamed my name, but I was nowhere to be found. In the next instant, the bond between us broke. He often woke gasping in imagined pain.

Talk about being alone in a crowd. I almost gasped with him.

Luckily, it wasn't hard to chase away the effects of these nightmares. Once he was awake, I flooded our connection with my presence and reassurances that I would not leave him until he found someone else.

But the nightmares gradually got worse, and I started having trouble calming him.

Then, for some reason, his nightmares also made my nightmares worse.

So I began taking sedative Bones prescribed and buried myself in my work.

That method of dream control worked until one night I woke up screaming, firmly convinced that Spock was dead.

But seconds later, the bond told me he was very much alive, and in the same state of fear I was in.

Because in his mind, I was the one lifeless and covered in blood.

Then I realized why we had had that dream. When I closed my eyes to send him some reassurance, I found the bond torn.

To my untrained mental eye, it looked like someone had taken some sort of psychic knife and had hacked away at it.

On the other end of the injured connection, Spock shivered. Because, as he showed me in a carefully packaged set of thoughts, it was possible that I was exactly right.

end part 15


	16. Chapter 16

The bond throbbed in pain as I tried to understand what had happened. Then that pain carried itself through my body and made me physically ill as I tried to get ready to start my day.

My world spun as I went to take a shower, forcing me to close my eyes and hang onto the doorjamb. Spock attempted to help me, to shield me somehow. But that only made matters worse. So, I shook my head and, with stubborn determination, washed and got myself dressed.

But Spock seemed to be preoccupied by our problem. As I made my way around my cabin, I could hear him fretting about my symptoms. In an attempt to help, he tried building a shield around his side of the connection. But since it did nothing to relieve me (although it shielded him from the pain), he dissolved it.

I began to realize that the whole situation made him feel helpless. He hadn't been able to figure out how the bond became injured. He had searched his mind and mine, looking for a likely candidate to call enemy. But he wasn't able to. Although an attack was certainly possible (although the psychic needed to be very strong if he had not touched either of us), nobody knew of our bond except Bones and Edan.

And they had no reason to attack us like that. They were our friends. And they had every reason not to. Hell, Edan (who was potentially strong enough to do it), would lose the ability to engage in his favorite activities if he tried it. Bones would kick him out of bed so fast that his head would spin.

Spock could not tell if I was around any psychics strong enough to do the bond damage, but he assured me that he was not. And again, he came back to the conclusion that nobody in our combined group of enemies was psychically strong enough to cause our injuries.

All the same, he constructed a shield around our connection, forgoing any shields between us because they might exacerbate my pain. His move surprised me because it left him vulnerable to my curiosity. The overwhelming curiosity that he so admired, but yet hid some of his secrets from in a box between us.

But now, even that box seemed to be open a crack. Apparently, thwarting our unknown enemy was more important than protecting his privacy.

I was extremely tempted to dive into it and discover all his secrets. But I restrained myself in the interest of keeping our relationship intact. This was no time to annoy him.

But I did attempt to convince him to stay out of the bond. I told him that I'd be okay by myself in the connection, but after my initial dizzy spell, he decided that he'd rather assure himself that I was functioning than block the pain. I could not construct a shield of any strength as of yet, and that would be what was needed to keep my symptoms at bay. This, Spock couldn't do for me. So he chose to suffer with me.

'Why?' I asked with a sigh of frustration.

'You are my mate.' he said simply. 'You took the role with no benefit to yourself. Because of your generosity, I am obliged to keep you safe.'

I bristled at his insinuation that I was incompetent. 'I can take care of myself.'

Spock carefully tried to calm me, as my anger made the bond throb. 'You are unfamiliar with psychic phenomena. If an attack comes, you will be unable to defend yourself.' He paused as I reluctantly accepted that he was right. Then he continued, 'My presence in the bond is necessary for another reason as well. I must monitor you for the healers.'

'What healers?' I asked, surprised that he arranged for help without my knowledge. But then I realized I had spent the last half-hour trying to function with a throbbing head. A shipful of Klingons could have passed by me without notice in that state.

Spock seemed annoyed at my self-derision. But he took a deep breath and answered my question. 'The healers who I have arranged to come to us. One healer will rendevous with the Enterprise while one will come to me. Being in physical and mental contact with both of us will aid their diagnosis. Please inform Dr. McCoy that they are coming. And please tell him to keep his opinions of 'Vulcan mumbo-jumbo' to himself while they are with us.'

That comment lightened my mood considerably. 'I'm on my way to eat breakfast with him right now,' I said with a chuckle as I headed to the mess hall. Once there, I grabbed some food out of a replicator, then found Bones and pulled him over to a corner table.

"What?" the doctor barked at me as I pulled hard enough to make him spill his coffee. Luckily, none of it spilled on him. So I found him another and continued guiding him to the corner.

"We've been hurt," I said softly as we sat down.

"Huh? Who?" The doctor looked at me suspiciously. He was used to my tendency to pick up women when his back was turned. My poor friend. He often had to deal with the fall-out when I decided that I no longer wanted said women.

But now, I was in a situation where I was desperate to stay connected with a lover. I could only hope McCoy was as good at helping me maintain what I had with Spock as he had been at leading my former lovers away from me.

"Me. Spock," I whispered, wondering if the person who caused our injuries was in this room. Then I shook my head. This was my crew. I could trust these people. I did trust these people. With my life.

And Bones showed me once again that I had put my trust in the right place. "What happened?" he asked as he pulled out his medical tricorder and ran it over me.

"I don't think you'll find anything on that thing. It's a psychic wound." I shook my head, then moaned softly as the motion caused the bond to throb again.

Bones stared at the readout anyway. When he was satisfied I was telling the truth, he looked up into my eyes with a sigh. "So what do you know about your current condition?"

I shrugged. "Not much. Whatever it was happened while we were both sleeping. Spock suspects we were attacked, but I'm not so sure. Something doesn't feel right. I'm not sensing anything malicious. And from what I know about the bond, an attacker would leave a mark that both of us would recognize as 'other'."

"I know your instincts are the stuff of legend," Bones said softly. "But do you have anything other than a gut feeling and psychic-" I could hear him restrain himself from saying his usual derisive term. "-instinct to go by?"

I nodded. "An attack just doesn't fit the facts. As far as I know, we have no mutual enemies. We haven't been around too many people. We haven't made any announcement, as most Vulcans do after they bond. So even if any of our enemies could damage the bond, how would they know it existed?"

"So what does your gut say about the injuries?" Bones raised his eyebrow in a good imitation of our mutual acquaintance.

"Not much. The only thing I can think of is that we might be incompatable. Could my mind be trying to reject the bond?" I looked at Bones worriedly.

He patted my hand, but his words weren't very reassuring. "I don't know much about psychic abilities, but it is certainly possible from a medical standpoint. To you, the bond is a foreign object. Your mind might try to get rid of it."

I nodded with a sigh and closed my eyes. I needed to tell Spock about this possibility.

But almost immediately, Spock negated the doctor's conclusion. My thoughts were logical by human standards but not by Vulcan ones. Vulcan minds instinctively look for compatability before entering another. The bond wouldn't have formed if my mind was going to reject it.

But there were other possibilities to consider. So through me, Spock and Bones discussed the healers Spock had called for and what my healer would be doing when he or she arrived.

"Tell that pointy eared elf I will not let any Vulcan take over my sickbay!" Bones exclaimed at one point, exasperated at the 'psychic mumbo jumbo' Spock was giving him.

Spock was just as exasperated with my human friend. 'I will not respond to his illogical emotionality,' he told me with more than a hint of anger in his mental voice. 'I realize the doctor is attempting to protect you. But he is not versed in Vulcan bonding. He must allow the healer to conduct the psychic examination.'

'I'll make sure he does, don't worry,' I sent back, then winced as the bond reverberated from all the emotions going through it. Up to this point, the thobbing had felt like a really bad tension headache. This was the first time I felt like it was going to take my head off.

Spock immediately pulled back. 'We must stop speaking like this. It is aggravating the wounds.' And with that, the mental voice was silent.

Bones decided to monitor me after that, because as soon as Spock pulled back, my head dropped and nearly hit the table. So he recruited Uhura to check my status every 45 minutes while I was on the bridge.

I accepted his arrangement with all the gratitude I could muster. It was better than having him breathe down my neck the whole time. He did that once and we ended up avoiding each other for a week because he had annoyed me with his constant scanning.

Luckily, the bond only ached now that Spock had retreated to his side of the bond. So I was able to take care of some paperwork in relative comfort, and Bones didn't have to come running to my side.

And true to Spock's schedule, the healer's ship arrived right after lunch.

My healer, Sortik, bowed to me as soon as he materialized in Transporter Room 2. He didn't allow me to give him anything more than the most cursory of greetings before he requested we go somewhere private to discuss the situation.

So I didn't waste anymore time. I took him to sickbay, and hid a grin when Bones glared at the Vulcan with suspicion in his eyes.

But my CMO didn't need to worry. Sortik was here for one purpose. Taking care of me. And he got right to it.

The healer listened intently as I told him my symptoms. But his questions were without inflection or emotion, as was expected of a proper Vulcan.

Staring into his face, I realized that I had gotten used to Spock and his subtle expressions. They made him seem less robot like, and more appealing. Even though Sortik was classically handsome, I couldn't imagine asking him on a date.

The healer was way too cold. Even his mental touch was cold. I shivered as he touched my face, preparing to mind meld with me to examine the bond. I could barely feel the physical heat of his fingers. That mental coldness blocked it out.

The healer's touch was so disconcerting to my mind that the instant the meld was complete, Spock instinctively tried to block his access to me.

Sortik didn't seem offended. In fact, he appeared to have expected Spock's resistance. 'You recognize your mate's vulnerability. This is good. This will help your connection survive. But I must request that you refrain from further shielding, for it will interfere with my search for the source of the injury.'

Spock complied and Sortik examined each of our minds. Minutes later, I felt a fourth presence come toward us.

But before I could pull back from it, Spock held me to him. 'That presence is Stran, the healer who has come to me.' But because of my discomfort, my mate again had to make a concerted effort to keep his shields around me open.

'That is due to the injury,' Stran told us once the bond allowed him access to me. 'The bond is protecting James because he is more vulnerable to an attack.'

The healers then worked in tandem as they examined everything within the bond. Then, Sortik discovered something and the healers put up shields to converse in private.

I attempted to wait patiently, but ended up wincing as the healers prodded one of the wounds. That caused Spock to impatiently tap on the healers' shield.

Luckily, before Spock's annoyance could turn to anger, they were finished. The shield dissolved and the healers faced us once again.

Being the Vulcans that they were, they gave us their diagnosis without any sympathy or cautious introduction that one would usually get from a human doctor. In a way, that was a comfort. I wanted to be able to face the problem head-on.

But as soon as I heard the cause, I knew that I needed more than my stubborn determination to fix it.

'Spock is injuring the bond.' Sortik said in that cold, clinical tone of his. 'As he sleeps, his mind is attempting to sever the bond. The only reason it is not gone is because you, James, have been able to thwart some of his attempts with your unconscious mind.'

As we dropped out of the meld seconds later, I stumbled in shock.

That made no sense. Why would Spock attack the bond? He was the one who needed it!

I wanted to reject the very idea. But as I reached out through the bond to touch Spock's presence, I could feel the truth of their words. I could feel Spock's mind remember attacking mine.

end part 16


	17. Chapter 17

Because neither healer had much experience with humans, they were reluctant to advise us about 'the correct course of action'. Normally, in a situation like this, they would ask the stable mate to exert some control over the one having difficulties. Through meditation, the troubled mate could then regain control of him/herself. But I, as a human, was not logical enough or psychically strong enough to exert control over Spock, according to the healers.

But I was stubborn enough to do something on my own to get this situation resolved. So I waited until the healers left to consult with some human doctors (Bones just glared at Sortik, so even the Vulcan could tell his advice might be suspect). Then I went to my room to consult my own expert. After taking off my boots, I laid on my bed and poked Spock.

'Yes, Jim?' he asked almost immediately.

'You're not harming the bond deliberately, are you?' I didn't think he was, but I had to make sure. Although Vulcans can lie, it's rather hard to lie to someone who has access to your mind.

Spock sounded offended that I would ponder such a thing at all. 'Of course not. I could hurt you in many ways by doing so. I have no desire to harm you. But unfortunately, I cannot control what I do while sleeping.'

But there was another consideration here, since our bond was supposed to be temporary...

'Maybe your mind found someone else more compatable. Maybe that's why it's trying to disconnect us,' I suggested.

But the wave of regret that came my way said otherwise. I could almost hear Spock's sigh as if he were in my cabin with me. 'That is impossible. My mind resists all attempts to get close to another.'

'All attempts?' I asked worriedly. 'So you found others who are suitable?'

'Yes. I found two persons who were reasonably compatable with my mind. But I was unable to establish even the shallowest of connections with them.' He sighed. 'I wish to be able to free you from your obligation, but I cannot until I find another I can bond with, or I would put myself at risk.'

'You *are* putting yourself at risk.' I admonished gently. 'You're destroying the bond. And that could leave you vulnerable.'

I stopped him with a soothing noise when he started to protest. 'Yes, I know it's not your conscious mind...but...' I looked at his presence in the bond. I studied it carefully. As I did, an idea began to form.

Then I asked a question that was dangerous, especially to a Vulcan.

'Do you like me?'

I could tell that Spock was surprised by my query, but he did me the favor of not rejecting it, as most of his people would.

He was quiet for a time as he contemplated his answer. But I waited patiently. I needed to know.

I could feel that he considered the question in contradiction of what he was taught. Liking acquaintances was in violation of Surak's teachings. Even feelings for family members and bondmates were supposed to be muted and should not translate into any of a Vulcan's actions.

'That is stupid,' I said vehemently as his contemplations drifted across our injured connection. My emotion was so strong that it caused us both to wince as the bond reacted with pain.

But that didn't change the way I felt. Because it was a justified anger. How could anyone be married like that? How could anyone be emotionally passive when they were in mind-to-mind contact? To me, it defeated the purpose of a bond.

Spock listened to my thoughts without responding. At first, I thought his silence was so the bond wouldn't yell in pain. Then I realized he was actually *listening* and even more surprisingly, agreeing with me. That startled me enough that my mind quieted.

After a few moments of mental silence between us, Spock said, 'I do enjoy being with you.'

I nodded, understanding how hard that was for him to admit. 'The feeling is mutual,' I replied simply, in acknowledgement of his struggle.

I wanted to say more, but I didn't want to overwhelm him with my feelings. So, I paused before I ventured, 'Could that be why your search isn't working?'

Spock thought about this for a moment, then sighed. 'Perhaps.'

So I was right. That meant we had to try a new tactic. So I prodded him gently. 'Why don't you stop trying for now? The stress might be getting to you. Humans can do some odd things under stress.'

Spock didn't bother to argue with me about how much of him was human. In fact, he agreed with my suggestion. 'Since the healers have no current suggestions, it would do no harm to try yours. I will also attempt meditating.'

I wanted to help him with his meditation, but I looked at my bedside clock and sighed. 'I have to get back to work. I'll check in with you later.'

Spock agreed and retreated to his side of the bond. The connection throbbed with relief. I didn't realize we were causing ourselves pain until he was gone. The warmth of being together had masked it.

As I got up, I wondered what the hidden pain meant. But just then, Uhura commed me. So, two seconds later, I pushed those concerns to the back of my mind as I went to take care of my ship.

After eight hours of pointless diplomacy with an angry king (We had been attempting to get mining rights on Zerebus II), I fell into bed. I had forgot about the bond for a time, so it almost surprised me when I winced in pain from an instantaneous headache as Spock made his presence known again.

He sounded contrite but determined to speak to me. 'I apologize for the intrusion. But I have a discovery which may interest you.'

The apology wasn't necessary. But his determination had me curious. 'You just startled me. Don't worry about it. I'm listening,' I sent back gently, as he seemed a bit skittish for some reason.

'While you were meeting with King Leebus, I meditated on our problem. And I believe I have found its cause.'

'Then tell me,' I encouraged him.

I felt Spock draw away from me slightly, causing the bond to twinge in pain again. 'You were correct in the assumption that my emotions toward you are affecting the bond. My resistance to others is indeed due to this. But so are the bond's injuries.'

'What? How?' I asked, rather shocked.

'I was attempting to give you what you desired,' he said, the apology back in his mental voice.

'I didn't want you to destroy the bond,' I protested.

'But you wanted to be free of all relationships. In a bond, this is not possible.'

'So part of you tried to set me free.' I sighed as I realized what he was saying. 'Can you make it stop?'

'I believe so,' he said cautiously. 'But your discontent concerning relationships might prevent me from controlling that part of my mind.'

'I can't just stop my fears, Spock. They're part of me.'

Spock nodded. 'I am well aware that humans do not have the emotional control that Vulcans do. Therefore I suggest you let me address them.'

'How?' I asked, skeptical of his ability to handle emotions he usually suppressed.

But my bondmate had no such worries. 'I will logicaly counter each fear until you are content to stay with me until such time when I find another.'

That didn't sound very effective to me, but I didn't see anything dangerous about his plan, and I didn't have a better idea, so I said, 'Okay, let's try that.'

Spock seemed pleased by my acquiescence. But I realized I should have asked for more details before agreeing. Because a moment later, he dropped a bomb on me.

'Since we must stop my mind from destroying the bond as quickly as possible, I have decided to start with your most difficult fear. I will refute any similarity between me and Kodos the Executioner.'

Although I knew he had our best interest in mind, I couldn't suppress the shudder that ran through me at his words.

end part 17


End file.
